


Light at the end of the tunnel

by ch_rainlily



Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Alternate Universe, Banter, Derek is a bit of an asshole but I love him so please don't be angry with him, F/M, Flashbacks, Healing, Hiking, Leap of Faith, M/M, No mudslinging, Queer Characters, Sleeping on bed together, Sleeping on couch together, Underage Drinking, therapy sessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:21:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29082321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ch_rainlily/pseuds/ch_rainlily
Summary: Casey is struck with the realisation that she is not afraid that Derek would not recover.As a matter of fact, she is scared of the day hewouldrecover and would no longer need her to be his pillar of strength.Or, the one where Casey takes care of Derek, a lot.
Relationships: Casey McDonald/Derek Venturi
Comments: 35
Kudos: 18
Collections: Dasey Holiday Fic Exchange - 2020





	1. Soulmates

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UntoldGalaxies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UntoldGalaxies/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is written for the Dasey Holiday Fic Exchange 2020 and dedicated to the wonderful UntoldGalaxies. I'm aware I was supposed to write on only one of your prompts but I decided to switch it up. I have (sort of) included all five of them. 🙈 Hope you find them and like them.
> 
> I need to thank Evendale, MJ0310, jjore and especially Titzy for helping me out with various aspects of this story. I would not have been able to do this without you guys.
> 
> I know this is a long ass chapter but it is close to my heart (and has a lot of flashbacks 😉). So thank you to any of you who chooses to give this story a chance. Enjoy. :)

"HEY! Wake up!"

"Go AWAY"

The knocking on the door now grows into loud bangs. "Like hell I am !"

"Urghhh"

"I'm literally going to drag your sorry ass to the coffee shop if I have to. You hear me?"

The notion of Casey saying _ass_ has the effect of Derek waking up immediately. It is amusing how his half-hearted fights with Casey still makes his nerves alive even in a year that has been nothing but miserable. 

Derek turns in his bed, putting a hand up to his eyes trying to shield the rays of sunlight coming from his apartment window. His head hurts incessantly. At this point, he is not even sure anymore if he is hungover this morning like he was the day before and the one before that. He is past caring. He looks at the table clock. Damn! It is past noon. He is needed at the crew meeting of his next renovation project by 5 in the afternoon but none of his muscles have any willingness to move. He just feels tired, so so tired and that has nothing to do with his physical woes. 

Casey's voice comes through the door again. "Do you want me to knock down your precious apartment's door? Do I need to call 911 to send me a fucking bulldozer to run it down?" 

There it is again. Casey saying _fucking_ casually in a conversation, probably not even realising she has said it. All because she is worried about Derek. 

"I am coming. I. Am. Coming. Stop fucking shouting, Case. Your voice can be heard from fucking London." Derek imagines Casey smirking at this point. Pleased with herself having woken Derek up despite the curse words now being hurled at her. The fact that Casey doesn't retort anything back reinforces Derek's point in his head. He finally sits up, the move making his bones ache. He stretches and feels his shoulders and necks clamp. It is going to be a long day for him although he is starting it when half the day is already over. He makes his way to the bathroom in his boxers, his feet cold on the marble floor. He keeps circling his arms and moving his neck clockwise and anti-clockwise trying to ease up some of the tension there. 

As he looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror he feels unfazed, though the person who looks back at him seems nothing like the person who once used to be so careful about his appearance. His hair dry and matty, he now has dark circles around his eyes, Derek even notices some lines close to his nose and eyes. He feels like he has aged a decade in the past year. The thought of the past year makes his stomach clench. A wave of nausea grips him. Derek sharply takes in a few breaths and realises he needs to focus on something else or he'd be consumed in his dark hole before he even gets the chance to walk out the door to greet Casey. 

Casey! Casey! Derek tries to gather all his energy and divert them to his manic little step sister. He wonders how she would react to those adjectives being used about her and almost smiles at the impending punch to his shoulder from Casey. 

Derek thinks back to the drunken night he had spent with his friends and Casey in their home back in Canada. If he had to choose a time when his bond with Casey significantly shifted it'd be that night. 

***

_Sheldon Schlepper had made a grand declaration of love for Emily in the school cafeteria that morning. The entire school had cheered for them as they had kissed. Derek had made a mock show of irritation. Back at the McDonald-Venturi living room, Sheldon was now singing to his new girlfriend holding an empty beer bottle in his hand using it as a mic. George, Nora and the kids were away for a weekend trip. Emily and Casey were lounging on the couch while Derek was half lying in his armchair. Sam sipped his beer occasionally with his back against a cupboard looking at Sheldon's singing figure with mild amusement. The room felt slightly chilly. Sheldon only had eyes for Emily as he sat at the foot of her side of the couch and sang, "I won’t give up on us/ Even if the sky gets rough/ I’m giving you all my love." Emily looked dreamy, her face blissful._

_As Derek looked at the pair, he felt a pang of jealousy. He never had been one who believed in romantic gestures, he had never even considered love on a realistic plane. He assumed when people were attracted to each other long enough to stick around for more than a couple of dates they termed it as being in love. To him commitment was something that put an invisible chain around a person’s existence. He valued his independence too much to commit to another human, to be answerable for his actions to another person. He always thought his own parents' marriage didn’t work because they had become too codependent. He had known relationships to be a phenomenon that only diminished a person’s individuality. But as he saw Sheldon and Emily gazing at each other and humming their song together, he realised he might have been wrong. He might have been wrong all along. Maybe love was not something that brought a person down but something that lifted a person up. Emily did not look like she was being bound up, she looked like her heart had just been set free. She seemed to be at peace as her eyes were fixed on Sheldon’s bobbing head, full of adoration._

_When Sheldon finished his rather unsynchronized singing, Derek heard Casey sniffling. He knew Casey was more than instrumental in pushing Sheldon in finally getting him to make his move. He peered at Casey, that girl was still a mystery to him, a puzzle he loved finding the pieces of. He hoped one day he would be able to arrange all those precious pieces. Casey was a sappy woman, she had known the depth of Sheldon and Emily’s feelings for each other even before they had known it themselves. Derek realised once again how very different he and Casey were. He would never have noticed the tension between the pair if it were put on a neon light board but Casey had. She always did. It made Derek wonder feelings of how many other people Casey knew about, even before they realised it themselves._

_Sam put his bottle up to cheer, “You stole my heart, Schlpper. I’d have married you if you sang like that to me.” He joked but all of them knew he had meant it too. Sheldon had stolen a bit of all of their hearts. Sam slurred a little as he continued, “Do you know what I’d sing if I ever fell in love?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Oh to the alien who would descend on Earth after you spend a decade sending them your love signals?”, Derek couldn’t help but tease his best friend whenever he could._ _  
_ _  
_ _Sam being accustomed to Derek's second nature of insulting the people closest to him, paid absolutely no heed to his words and began in a high pitch his rendition, “It’s youuu... It’s always you…”_

_Casey's eyes widened for a bit at Sam’s high volume singing, the others were taken aback as well but soon both Emily and Casey’s faces broke into huge smiles. They looked lovingly at another addition to their sap group. They were a bunch of hopeless romantics and they were both touched and proud that Sam was just as corny as they were. Sheldon lightly rested his head against Emily’s knee as Casey got up to get some more snacks. Sam continued singing,“Met a lot of people... But nobody feels like you... ooh oh”_

_Casey tripped a little as she crossed Derek’s chair, Derek reached out instinctively but she had already recovered. In the dimmed light of their living room, Derek discerned that they were all a bit drunk at that point. He cherished these rare nights of freedom and this night was more remarkable than others because Casey had agreed to drink in celebration of the new couple._

_Sam finished his song with an elaborate bow. It was what Emily said next that caught Derek by surprise. “What would you sing for your girl when you fall in love Derek?” Emily looked sheepish as Derek tried to make sense of why he was being dragged into their sap group. His drunk brain made it harder for him to concentrate. He wondered if Emily was only asking rhetorically but soon realised her question was serious. Derek had never felt enough attachment towards any of his ex-girlfriends to sing for them. His charm and appearance always seemed to be enough to seduce them and let them remain captured with his magnetism._

_Derek looked around the living room and saw three pairs of curious eyes looking back at him. He was aware Casey too must have heard Emily’s question from the dining table. He sure as hell was not going to back down when Casey was in the room, so he tried to be smug. He sported his infamous smirk and answered, “Sorry but that I will only sing for that person.” As he answered he sensed Casey rolling his eyes beside him. She had reappeared beside his armchair with her bowl of nachos._

_Casey snorted and laced her voice with sugar, “Oh Der Bear, are you scared to tell us? Are you scared to let us know that you don’t have enough emotional quotient to have a song for your future girl, your soulmate?”_

_Derek scowled at her. He liked it when Casey challenged him but it frustrated him when he didn’t have a prompt answer to shoot back at her. Their relationship was based on their back and forth attacks on each other, each word often containing dual meanings. He sometimes wondered if there ever was a time when they used to speak to each other without any ulterior meaning behind every phrase, or used to gaze at each other without silently communicating through their eyes. He wondered if there ever was a time when Casey stood close to him and the air did not get charged up between them or her arm brushed against his and he did not feel a jolt of current charging through him._

_Since facing defeat was not an option he decided to improvise and put up an act of confidence as he so often did. He jumped up from his chair and grabbed Casey by her shoulders, whirled her around, and pushed her down on his armchair. Casey gasped audibly, the bowl of snacks still in her hand. Derek bent down, put his hands on the handles of the chair, and hovered over her face. He realised the rest of the group was now gaping at them but no one dared to utter a word. Sam had shifted towards the couch to get a better look at the duo._

_“First of all, it does not have to be a girl.” Derek drawled. Derek saw from the corner of his eyes Sheldon and Emily exchanging confused looks. Sam looked stricken, though Derek suspected he might have had some clues by now. But Casey’s reaction made Derek surprised. He had expected her eyes to bulge out or at least her jaw to drop open. He never thought she’d disapprove or think any less of him but he always supposed she’d at least be shell shocked with such a revelation. Derek himself had no idea why he had announced it at that moment. Was it a spur of the moment? Was he only improvising and keeping up his act of confidence or was it actually about time? He had not been sure of the truth of his reality for a painfully long time. He had been confused, not to mention frustrated. There were hundreds of questions he had no answers to. It was only recently that he had decided to be gentle with himself in that regard and tried using the term bisexual while referring to himself. It still made him feel undecided, befuddled, and unsure of who he was. He concluded the reason he had made that declaration at that moment was because he finally was ready to face his truth surrounded by the people closest to him. He deduced that saying it out loud looking into the eyes of the person he trusted with his life would make it undeniably real and he was not looking to postpone the inevitable any further._

_Casey’s reaction left Derek stunned. He waited for her to drown him with a hundred questions or shower him with words of encouragement for deciding to come out to them. But she did neither. She looked at him like nothing had happened, like Derek was not holding his breath and being uncharacteristically nervous inside. She only gazed at him without blinking, her blue eyes boring into his very soul. Derek suddenly surmised Casey must have known. His step-sister must have known his truth before he had been able to deduce it himself, just like she had known about Sheldon and Emily. Derek wondered how long she had known, whether she was waiting for him to come out by himself, or whether she had planned to push him to realise it one of these days._

_Casey nodded her head subtly urging him to continue his speech and Derek remembered the next point he had to make, “second of all,” he looked intently into Casey’s eyes as he sang, “You say it best when you say nothing at all...” She gaped at him._

_***_

"Hey! Did you fall asleep AGAIN?" Casey's voice bellows through the door. She is admonishing him but Derek doesn't miss the worry and tinge of fear underneath it. She must have guessed that Derek is falling into his hell hole again and she is correct yet again. Derek feels amused that for all the things Casey does know she still remains clueless as to how much she helps him without even trying. Derek has never voiced or admitted it and hence Casey has never known or believed that she has been his anchor all along, through every thunderstorm. 

Derek walks back to the doorway to his bathroom, still ginger from his minor anxiety attack that he had experienced moments prior. He yells, "Give me just a couple more minutes Case and I will be there.”  
  
“You better be.”

Derek brushes his teeth and then takes a quick shower. His head keeps pounding but he does his best to ignore it. He pulls on his jeans and a sweatshirt in record time and wonders what the day would have looked like if Casey had not come to wake him up and save his day _yet again_. As he looks for his keys and cell phone he realises this past year Casey has been the one who brought him back from the brink of collapse on more occasions than one. He owed her that entire year. Truth be told he owed her his sanity.

Before opening the door Derek rubs his fingers across his forehead trying to keep the aching there at bay. He opens the door and greets the top of Casey’s head while she keeps looking at her wristwatch. When she finally looks up, Derek doesn’t know what to make of her expression before she starts speaking, “You know you could have been a gentleman for _once_ and let me in before you went on to do your ablution.” Derek furrows his brow wondering why couldn’t this woman use English words.

Casey continues, “I have been standing here for half an hour while you were brushing your teeth? Where are your manners, Derek Venturi? Oh, right you aren’t capable of having any. Do you realise I was starting to freak out?” Derek mouths ‘ _no kidding’_. “I have been trying to call you all morning. I cancelled half my court appointments for today because I had to come to wake you up in the middle of the fucking day. You’re getting on my nerves, Venturi. One of these days I am going to bind you to a chair, handcuff you and” Derek imagines the scene in his head and instantly blushes, “and electrocute you until you get over… What the..? Why are you grinning?” 

Derek holds her by her shoulders, the act causing Casey’s rants to falter and he turns her. Derek gently pushes her saying, “Let’s GO Nutcase.” Derek thanks his lucky stars that Casey complies without further lectures.

They leave Derek’s apartment building and start walking towards a coffee shop around the block. Casey’s left arm encircles Derek’s elbow, it gives her support while walking on the moist streets of NYC. Derek draws strength from her touch and with each step he takes in her embrace he feels his head clear little by little. Even surrounded by the foggy gloom of the city Casey beacons like a source of light and strength for him. 

There was a time when he did not let Casey hug him or touch him but their drunken night in the living room back in Canada had strengthened their bond in such a way that he was no longer afraid to show her his vulnerabilities, the facets of himself that scared him and made him insecure. Casey somehow always understood him even though Derek had let almost all his internal turmoil remain unspoken. Casey had always seen right through him.

***

_“You know we never got to the part where you tell us what you’ll sing to your soulmate.” Derek drawled as they cleaned up their dining table after the house party. Casey picked up the empty chips packets and put them in a trash bag pretending not to have heard him._

_“You know I’ll find it out anyway, right? Mmm I wonder is it written in your secret pink diary highlighted in fluorescent orange and green? Probably I should find it and put it on a hoarding in the school hall. Our next anthem.” Derk put up his arms in the air like he was holding up a banner._

_Casey rolled her eyes but didn't budge, “If you put up the same energy to make your assignments in time maybe you’d be able to graduate in a single try.”_

_“Oh now I see what’s the issue”, Derek put his index finger under his chin pretending to think, then pointed it at Casey, “With all your lectures of emotional quotient you yourself don’t have a song for your soulmate, do you?” Derek clasped his hands and snorted, “Oh this is good !”_

_But soon his laughter died down as he looked at Casey’s slightly widened eyes. He realised a little too late that he had struck a nerve. He tried making damage control, but Casey beat him to it. “No. You’re right, Derek. I don’t have a song. You know why?”_

_Derek regretted his offensive words spoken casually, with each word Casey uttered. “It’s because I don’t think I’ll ever find a soulmate. I think no one will ever truly be able to understand or appreciate who I am. More importantly, I don’t think anyone will stick around after realising how annoying I can be.” Casey held up her hand as Derek tried to protest. “I never dared to reserve a song for my soulmate because I never believed I deserved one. Yes, I might be a romantic at heart but that doesn’t necessarily mean I think I’ll have a fairytale romance. In fact, I know I wouldn’t.” Casey sharply drew in a breath._

_Derek gaped at her. This was the same woman who had not one hour ago handled his coming out with more ease than he ever could have imagined. Derek always deduced Casey had her life figured right up to the exact moment she would fall in love head over heels. He had never even considered the possibility that she entertained the thought of not finding_ her person. _Derek might not have believed in love for himself or in the marriage of his parents but without a doubt, he believed in love for Casey, in Casey’s universe._

_He saw Casey shaking while cleaning up after her rant. Derek was grateful for Casey’s presence in his life though he would never admit it even if his life was on the line. But he was especially grateful to her for her acceptance of him that evening. He knew he had to do something to make her feel better, to let her know how wrong she was. So Derek rounded the table, came up in front of her and brought her in for a hug before he could change his mind._

_Casey was so taken aback that she stood absolutely still for several moments until her brain caught up to reality. It took her a few more seconds to finally ever so slowly bring her arms up and place them on Derek’s back. Casey reciprocated the hug as Derek whispered in her ear, “I never thought you are annoying”_

_***_

Casey pushes open the cafe door and a scent of a mixture of freshly baked muffins and ground coffee hits her nostrils. She realises she has not eaten anything since the night before. The recent property settlement case is keeping her on her toes and skipping breakfast sometimes seems to her to be an efficient method of saving time. Derek and she have walked together to the cafe in amiable silence but now she is yearning to get some food into both their systems and get the boy to open up.

It is an everyday effort with Derek. Somedays Casey wins and some days Derek shuts her out and she just can’t get him to talk. Over the last year, Casey has discovered that the only way to truly save Derek is to find ways to keep him talking or in any case to keep him distracted enough from plunging into his darkness. She has after a battle of months been able to make him promise to send her a message every morning to let her know that he has gotten up from bed and has started his day. Unfortunately more than a couple of times a month that message wouldn’t come and Casey would have to come knocking on his door to make sure he is doing alright and not indulging in day drinking and wallowing in distress. She had not received the message this morning but she had been relieved to see his face when he greeted her at the door, he seemed as fragile as he has for a while but he also looked like he was willing to face the day with her by his side. 

Since it is the middle of the day the cafe is not bustling with people. A few college kids and an elderly couple are the only persons present. Casey and Derek find one of their favourite seats empty and head towards it. 

“You need a decaf, Derek. You look like you have been hungover for a decade.”  
  
“I feel like that too.” Derek laughs wryly. Casey shakes her head and curses under her breath. She has to put a cap on his drinking. God! She hated having the same conversation over and over again with this boy. Derek had refused to go to ‘useless’ A.A. meetings time and again. Truth be told Derek refused almost all kinds of help Casey has tried to offer him _politely_. He only lets her hang out with him and eat his head up with her lectures to get him over his misery but nothing else.

“Were you drinking by yourself last night? Or did you decide to have one of your nighttime adventures again?”

“How does that matter Case? I felt miserable after returning from work. That empty apartment was too much for me. I felt like the darkness would eat me up. So I drank, I drank some more, and the next thing I know you’re hollering through my door.” Derek runs an exasperated hand through his hair. “I don’t know if I stayed home or if I went out and was so wasted that I screwed up the tires of somebody’s car.”

“Hey? I know you are never that drunk, okay? I just get worried about you. You know that.” Casey’s heart breaks seeing Derek’s distress but she has vowed to herself and to him that she wouldn’t treat him with sympathy. He has made it abundantly clear that he wants none of that. All he desires is her company.

“Yes, I know that _Grandma_ ,” Derek smirks at her and Casey is ready to throw some insult back at him when a waiter comes to take their order. Derek orders his decaf, Casey orders a glass of orange juice and they both ask for a big ham sandwich. To hell with healthy food, Casey is hungry!

Derek fiddles with the napkin as Casey debates what would be the best way to approach the sensitive matter that needed to be discussed. In the end, she realises there is no easy way of doing it. Derek’s life is already in shambles, the sooner the mess will be cleared up, the faster he will be able to move on. Thus she begins without preamble, “So.. uhm... Justin called me up again. He needs to know when we can sit down for a meeting to get your business divided up properly. This has been long overdue and he said that apparently his patience is running thin.”

Derek sharply looks up at her and takes several seconds to process the topic that has been raised, the abominable name that has been used by Casey, the dreaded issue that is required to be settled. Casey wills him to take the time he needs, she knows better than to push him. Her stomach turns into a knot every time she has to urge Derek to talk about Justin. She battles with an array of conflicting emotions. She feels envy, dread, sadness, and helplessness all at the same time. It becomes increasingly harder to keep her own feelings for Derek at bay while dealing with his feelings for Justin. She tries her best not to think about Derek’s sentiments towards Justin and pushes it into a corner of her mind reserved specifically for that purpose and silences the voice in her head trying to remind her what Justin has meant to Derek until last year… and what she hasn’t.

“Did he call because you are my attorney? Or because you’re my step-sister?” Derek finally utters through gritted teeth.

Casey blinks trying to gauge why that was what bothered him at that moment. “I.. uhm.. I think because I am your attorney? But probably also because we used to be friends at some point until.. until you know..” Casey stammers at the last part not wanting to say the obvious in so many words.

“Until the divorce,” Derek says matter of factly.

“Yeah until that.” Casey waves at the air trying to feign being casual about it, determined not to show Derek that her heart breaks for him every time she has to talk about it. Derek might have been crushed, his soul left tattered but it has not been easy on Casey either witnessing her Derek fall in love, eventually losing it, and falling down the road of his personal hell. The divorce did not just ruin the lives of Derek and her old friend Justin but it ruined Casey to a considerable extent as well.

“So he wants to break the business up, right? Is that what all his nagging and fussing is about? That’s all that fucking matters to him after all this time? Well fine by me. He’ll fucking get his part of the business with a ‘have a great life ahead card’ and then we can all go on our merry ways.” Derek sounds hysteric. He looks around the cafe, then sips his water and starts fidgeting with his napkin and cutlery once again as he waits for Casey’s response. 

Casey takes a deep breath in steadying herself, “It’s not that _he wants_ to divide the business. It was your mutual decision and you know it, Derek.” Casey feels like she is becoming her mother pointing out all the logical things in a conversation, “You both knew it would be next to impossible to continue to work together after you.. you know.. fell apart.” She stumbled at the ending yet again. Damn it! She is not supposed to let Derek know that this whole mess affects her at all.

Derek squints his eyes at Casey as if trying to determine who she is. He is about to say something when their food arrives. So he growls in a whisper, “Oh you’re defending him now? That’s new.”

“No Derek, that is not new.” Casey has anticipated his spite. She adopts a stern voice as she takes a swig of her juice, she moves her head closer to him across the table, “I know better than anyone that you don’t hold any grudges against him. You are hurting like hell, yes! But you don’t hate him. You don’t even have any reason to.” 

“Bull shit,” Derek mutters before diverting his gaze to his sandwich and avoids Casey completely as he starts eating, looking anywhere but at her.

Casey rests her back on her chair and starts eating, half pleased with herself knowing she has won this round of the battle of making Derek see the truth for what it is. No matter the string of mixed feelings she has to deal with within herself whenever the issue of Justin and Derek comes up, she sure as hell is not going to sit around to see one of her former friends being accused of acts he has not committed, not even when it comes to Derek Venturi.

“You want to go see the hockey game tonight?” Casey knows now is the time to change the topic of the conversation. Derek looks up at her and his expression tells her she has made the right decision.

“I don’t know Spacey. I have a crew meeting with plumbers and electricians for a house I’m renovating. It was built in the ‘30s. It has a hell of a lot of work to be planned and discussed and et cetera.” Derek says while munching on his food.

“That’s alright. I could come over to your place after work and we could watch online.” 

“Naah Case! Maybe another time.” Casey knows all too well why he would not meet her after sundown. Whiskey has become his confidant of sorts since the divorce. Casey has so far been discreet in her attempts to help him through it. She does not believe in forcing anyone to do anything, even getting help, if they themselves do not want it. 

At this point she looks at him intently, she notices the growing dark circles under his eyes, the fading playful look on his face, she sees his skin has gotten paler. It tugs at her heart knowing even though his appearance has continuously worsened, the scar in his heart is cutting him way deeper than Derek will ever even admit to himself. Casey decides to push it this time, “I am coming over tonight and I will watch the game there. You can bore yourself to sleep or you can watch it with me.” 

Derek mouths ‘what the fu..’ but recovers himself before he says too much. He presses his mouth in a thin line and puts his elbows on the table, “Fine. Then I am going out tonight. You can come over but I won’t be back before dawn.”

“Oh really? Going out with whom?” Casey knew Derek has been avoiding his friends who are also Justin’s friends ever since the divorce. 

“With people I met on a dating app.”

“Spending the night dancing with random people from a dating app is more appealing to you than watching the game with me?” Casey gives him a dramatic pout. 

“You..” Derek wags his index finger at her, “and you accuse _me_ of playing dirty?”

Casey puts her nose high up in the air completely denying whatever Derek means by that.

“Fine. Bring some nachos too. I’ll set up the screen.” 

Casey’s face breaks out into a grin and she finishes up her sandwich with renewed vigour. They call for the check soon afterwards. Out in the street, Casey tells Derek to behave himself until they meet again, earning her a yank of her hair like they’re in middle school. After some screeching from Casey and laughter from Derek they head to their workplaces.

Casey gets into her car and sees Derek drive away in her rearview mirror. She lets out a breath and sits in the driver’s seat unmoving for several seconds. With her eyes closed, she tries to ground herself in the present. These encounters with Derek, seeing him grow fragile every day, fighting and failing his demons exhausts her. She wishes she could crush those demons on his behalf once and for all and get done with it. But she knows or rather has gotten to know through her own life and turbulences that there is no shortcut to recovery. She knows it's a long, agonizingly slow process that needs to be endured step by step, day after day. 

Casey sighs heavily knowing the road ahead is going to be rough for both Derek and her. She knows she needs to be the pillar for him and for that she needs to keep her sanity intact. Casey unlocks her phone and dials a number.

“Hello there Casey. How are you doing today?” comes a gentle female voice across the phone.

“I’m alright Doctor. Uhm.. well no. I am not entirely alright.” Casey admits.

“I see. Do you need a session over the phone?” 

“Actually Doctor I think I need an in-person session. Can I come to see you in an hour?” Casey adds, “I know this is last minute and you must be busy on a weekday with other appointments.” 

“Let me check my schedule for a moment.” the line goes silent for a couple of seconds, “You know what? Come see me in an hour, it’s my lunchtime and I can make room for you for today.”

“Oh! I don’t want to take up your break time.”

“It’s my job Casey and I am more than happy to help.” The voice of the doctor remains as soothing as ever.

Casey thanks her and hangs up. She breathes a sigh of relief and starts driving her car towards the chamber of her therapist. It’s in another part of the city. She once again appreciates having found a great doctor who is not only suited to her needs but also flexible with her time. She internally thanks her beloved counsellor Paul who was the one who had recommended Dr. Jones to her years ago when she had moved to NYC.

She takes a left turn listening to the radio when her mind goes back to Derek, their conversation over lunch, and eventually unwittingly towards his relationship with Justin. Those memories are always bittersweet for her to revisit. 

***

_It was a school day and the house was filled with chatter from the breakfast table. As Casey came down the stairs she could already hear Edwin and Lizzie fighting over eating manners. Casey entered the kitchen and saw Marti getting smarmy with George so that he wouldn’t make her eat broccoli. Casey greeted everyone with a good morning but apparently, they were all too busy to respond. She went over to her mom who was packing her tiffin for the day._

_“Mom, you remember I am supposed to go to Ralph’s birthday party tonight with Em?”_

_Nora paid half attention to her and nodded yes._

_“So I need the car tonight and I don’t want any arguments again with Derek.”_

_“Why are you telling me that honey? Shouldn’t you settle that with Derek? I thought you two already had a weekly arrangement.”_

_“Mom!” Casey exclaimed in mild exasperation. "I'm telling you this because he is a toddler and couldn’t care less about an arrangement I’ve made him sign on. I need you on my team.”_

_“Oh, sweetheart you know I’m in nobody’s team.”_

_Casey tried to protest but then saw Derek enter the kitchen yawning and scratching his head. He still had not showered when Casey was properly dressed for school already. Casey shook her head at the lack of routine in the lives of the Venturi clan._

_“Mr. Derek Venturi I am taking the Prince today and I want no more discussion over it.” Casey tried her luck and pretended she was confident in her stance._

_Derek gave her a nonchalant shrug and proceeded to pour milk over his bowl of cereal, “No luck Princess. I am taking it tonight. I have a date.”_

_Casey looked at him with curiosity and surprise. He had not really gone on a date since he came out. Casey had assumed Derek was still figuring his own self out. She had tried to help him, offering to talk and be supportive, but of course, he had just smirked at her saying he did not need dating advice from her out of all people._

_Nora did the honors for Casey. “Who are you going on a date with Derek?” Derek’s coming out was a surprising turn of events for the whole family. Nora and George now clearly walked on eggshells when dealing with Derek’s dating life. They went out of their ways to make sure they didn’t say anything that could even remotely hurt Derek or appear to him to be judgmental._

_“He’s actually a cousin of Nick.”_

_“Oh, I remember Nick. He’s the vice-captain of your hockey team. He’s sweet. He gave me a candy bar at your last game.” Marti chimed in._

_“Yes, Smarti. That Nick.” Derek reached out and ruffled Marti’s hair, “So yeah! It was in that last game that Justin.. umm, Nick’s cousin had come to see us play. He came to the locker room afterwards and we got to talking about sports and other stuff. Well.. he was cool and he knew so much about the bands I love. He also said that he loves old buildings and their structures fascinate him and..”_

_As Derek recounted his first meet with Justin, Casey caught a faint blush on his cheeks. She felt an unusual sensation in her stomach. Casey was happy that Derek was going out again. At times when Derek was not getting on her nerves, she could bring herself to feel happy for his joys. But she also had a sinking feeling. Derek hardly ever gushed about his partners, let alone someone he had only met a handful of times._

_“That’s wonderful son!” George patted Derek on the back and exchanged a look of understanding with Nora, “I am sure you two would have a great date.”_

_“Does that mean you have a_ buoyyfriend _now Derek?” Edwin perked up, clearly not willing to let go of a rare chance of teasing his brother. But a glare from Derek promptly shut him up._

_Lizzie, on the other hand, went over to Derek, gave him a side hug and said, “You’re brave Derek. I’m happy for you.” The action momentarily left Derek speechless._

_He soon found his voice and thanked his parents and sisters. He glanced at Casey eventually with anticipation in his eyes. Casey realised she had not spoken a word in a while. “Alright, you can take the Prince.” That is all Casey managed to say and started leaving for school._

_Casey caught Derek giving her a confused look. She had no idea what it was that Derek had hoped for her to say. She was proud of him for having come out but it still took her a lot of effort to be alright with the notion of seeing him going on a date. She did not know exactly what bothered her, neither was she eager to find out. But her conscience refused to let Derek go on a first date with a boy for the first time while mulling over why Casey had not wished him luck. They might make each other’s blood boil almost all the time but they also depended on each other. Through their undefined bond, they shared a mutual trust and respect that transcended beyond their silly pranks and bickerings._

_She found him in the school hallway that day during one of their break times and pulled on his elbow to grab his attention._

_“Have you forgotten your way to the library Spacey?” Derek smirked at her._

_Casey rolled her eyes, “Are you incapable of beginning a conversation in a civilised manner?”_

_“No. You are incapable of keeping your head out of the philosophy books on How To Resist The Charm of Your Step Brother.”_

_“Der-ek !” That made Derek laugh heartily. He had clearly been successful at bringing a rise out of her._

_Casey took a breath in and began again, “Listen you idiot, I came here to tell you I’m glad you’re going out on dates again. It’s been a while and Justin sounds like a great guy.”_

_“Oh, so I have your approval Grandma?” Derek laughed again, put an arm around Casey’s shoulder, and started walking toward their next class,_

_“Do you have anything to give him on the date?”_

_“Give him what?”_

_“A gift. You idiot”_

_“He is not a girl Case. I don’t need to bring him chocolates like I did with my ex-girlfriends.”_

_Casey looked at the strange creature beside her with shock. “Are you for real? What the hell Derek! Are you telling me boys don’t enjoy chocolates just because they are boys?”_

_“Language Casey!” Derek said, amused. “I meant I don’t think boys want a grand gesture or something. I know I don’t.”_

_“That’s because none of your ex-es brought anything for you. What has this patriarchy done to us! Also, I’m not even talking about grand gestures, I’m only talking about_ a _gesture.”_

_Derek looked at her and seemed to make a decision, “Only because it’s my first date with a guy, I am going to take your advice, Case. If it blows up on my face and I embarrass myself, it’s on you.”_

_“I take full responsibility.” Casey smiled at him. She could tell he was nervous and wanted that date to turn out to be a good one. “Do you have any idea what you’re gonna get him though?”_

_“The gloves I wore on my last hockey game?”_

_“Noo Derek. Just no!” Disgusted, Casey tried to come up with a solution herself, thinking back to Derek’s description of Justin. “I know what you should give him. You can give him a book on Ontario’s oldest buildings. I’m guessing both of you would love to discuss more about it.”_

_Derek seemed to like her choice. He squeezed her shoulder and gave her one of his rare warm smiles, “Thanks for the help Case. I appreciate it. But don’t tell anyone I said that.”_

_“It’s going up on the school hoarding,” Casey called at his back as they entered their class._

_It was close to midnight when Casey finally heard the faint sound of the Prince parking in their garage. Casey had gone to Ralph’s party, felt queasy, and had returned home early. She had tried reading a book but could hardly focus. She kept glancing at the clock wondering what Justin and Derek were doing at that moment. She pondered whether she had always been this restless when Derek went on a date or was this a recent development because they had grown considerably closer since their drunk night in the living room. She had tried to fall asleep but in vain. She had a strange feeling about Justin. She had not met him yet but for some reason, she felt that this was not going to be one of Derek’s casual adventures. She had a feeling that he was here to stay._

_The staircase creaked. Casey jumped out of her bed and pulled open her door audibly. Derek gasped and took a step back from his door. “Geez Case! You fucking scared me.”_

_“Sorry I was just checking if you came back home safely,” Casey whispered._

_Derek gave her such a disbelieving look that Casey was sure Derek thought that she was getting sick. Casey waved her hand and leaned against the wall between Derek and her room trying to act casual._

_“Yeah Nutcase. I am back home in one piece.” She liked it when he called her that. But that night it somehow felt wrong hearing him say that, right after he had a date with another person. In her head, Casey felt they were not supposed to call each other affectionately, not when he was dating another guy._

_“How was the date, Derek?” Casey asked, still pretending to act indifferent. She genuinely hoped he had spent a good time with Justin. She only wished it didn’t bother her so much if he had. She tried to drown out her thoughts. “Did he like the book?”_

_“Fuck Case! He loved it,” Derek’s face lit up in glee, “He even got me a mixtape of all his favourite metal rock songs.”_

_“I knew he is a great guy. He had brought a gift of his own volition unlike you who had to be pestered to do it by his step-sister.”_

_“Yeah, I see that now.” Derek rolled his eyes but smiled too. “That was a good date, Case. I realised I was missing out on so much in life. I liked being out with a guy.” Derek paused, “I liked being out with_ him _.”_

_Casey’s heart swelled up and sank at the same time. “So did you sing your song?” She twirled a loose string of her top in her left fingers._

_“What song?” Derek gave her a confused look._

_“You say it besttt” Casey tried mimicking his voice to tease him, “when you say nothing at all.”_

_He laughed out loud, though he kept it to a whisper so as not to wake up the rest of the family. “Oh damn no! Geez, we were in a public place. If I started singing there, especially without a guitar and our band to back me up, he would have run away on our very first date,”_

_He continued laughing silently and entered his room. He turned around and said, “I’m not taking any risks with this one, Spacey.”_

***

Casey enters the parking of her therapist’s chamber. She sighs at the memories flooding her brain. It always amuses her how almost every moment of the past makes her feel that that was an easier phase in her life. The day Derek went on his first date with Justin had made her so restless, yet looking back now she feels she was so much younger on that day, she was freer, she feels life was easier because she was clueless about her feelings back then. As Casey reaches the sterile, quaint floor of the chamber she realises she is wrong as always. Life was not easier back then. Life was just as much hard as she could deal with then. Life probably is still the same.

Casey sits down on the couch opposite Dr. Jones. She looks out of the enormous window of the Doctor’s chamber and admires the skyline of NYC briefly. The feel of the leather armrest under her fingers and the constant mild buzz of the air conditioner ground her to the present. 

Dr. Jones asks Casey in her ever so neutral voice, “How was your week Casey ?”

Casey closes her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. She then looks at her doctor and says, “I don’t know... fine I guess.”

“You did not sound fine when you asked for an unscheduled session today.”

“No. I guess I didn’t. I.. I feel tired.” 

“Do you feel physically tired? Or mentally? Or is it both?”

“I’m afraid I feel both. My work has become so demanding lately. I’ve several meetings with partners of the firm, court dates and client meets every day. On top of all that Derek refuses to cooperate. It’s been over a year and he continues to reject all the help that I offer to him. I look at him and all I notice is that he is gradually getting worse. It scares me. It.. it makes me feel like I’m failing him.”

Dr. Jones crosses her legs and asks, “Why do you feel like you are failing him?”

“I feel as if I’m not putting enough effort to help him. I keep thinking I should do more, push him more to open up and let me support him.”

“Do you think pushing him further would yield better results?”

“No, I have never even believed in forcing anyone to do anything for that matter. But.. I feel so _useless_ sitting around waiting for him to accept my help.” Casey buries her head in her hands, scared to face her reality. “Yet I know if I force him into letting me help him, he would only build up higher barriers around himself. I’m worried that would, in turn, destroy all the progress I’ve so far made with him.” 

“So you do feel like you have made progress with Derek?”

Casey looks up at the doctor again and says timidly, “I mean I think so. Yes”, She sits up straighter on her couch. “He texts me that he has gotten out of bed to head to work almost every day now. He attends family gatherings now without us having to plead with him. He even smiles a little bit more often now.. at least around me. That is progress, right?” 

“Do _you_ think that’s progress ?”

Casey ponders over the question for a second and says determinedly, “Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Then why do you still feel scared Casey?”

Casey sighs and slumps against the back of the couch, “I feel like all the progress we have made is only because I keep insisting on being around him as much as I can. If I won’t be around him to pick him up every time, I fear he’ll spiral into his dark hole in no time.”

“Do you think he is dependent on you for his mental equilibrium?”

“Yes, I think he is. But I’m also dependent on him for mine.” Casey’s eyes widen as she becomes aware of what she has just said. She realises she is not scared that Derek would not recover from his divorce. She is scared of the day he would recover and would no more need her to be his pillar of courage and optimism. “Oh God! I’m so selfish.”

“What makes you say that Casey?”

“I understand now that I’m not helping him to save him. I’m helping him to keep him close.”

“We have discussed your feelings towards Derek before. Would you like for us to discuss it again?”

Casey’s stomach sinks at the thought of that particular discussion she once had with her therapist when Derek was still married. She vehemently shakes her head indicating a no. 

“Would you then like to tell me why your desire to keep Derek close makes you feel you are selfish?”

“Isn’t it obvious Doc? I’m selfish because I’m taking advantage of his vulnerability and keeping myself attached to his life in the name of helping him.” Casey feels slightly irritated, therapy is not always fun. Though often she feels at peace after visiting her doctor, at times she also feels frustrated at the repetitive questions her doctor seems to ask her.

“Do you think he would let you stay close to him if he did not seek your help?” 

“No. Probably not.” Casey feels lighter at that question. Therapy is not not fun either.

“We would have to end this session here Casey. But I would circle back to your initial query once before we finish,” Dr. Jones clasps her palms in her lap, “What do you think you can do to make yourself feel less tired?”

Casey returns Dr. Jones’s gaze, “I would try not to put myself or my wants down maybe?”

“Right. You would not punish yourself for being a human or for having feelings.”

As Casey walks out of the chamber she deduces that maybe she does not need to feel like she is betraying Derek by helping him while also striving to protect her own emotions. She realises those two phenomena need not be mutually exclusive, they can exist simultaneously in her heart. Derek _has_ made some significant progress with her assistance in the past year. Casey needs to feel proud of that and stop focussing on her guilt of not providing him selfless care. Her guilt would only hinder the stability of her life and her process of helping Derek. She takes in a few deep breaths, trying to let go of her negative emotions. The fact that she will see Derek later that evening fills her with anticipation. She wonders if she will ever tire of meeting him, of being able to be in his radar. She sighs softly, there is only one answer to that question and she knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first time writing a story. Moreover, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Needless to say I am nervous about this one. If you enjoyed reading it, please don't forget to let me know your thoughts. I'd love to hear them.


	2. With you by my side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keeping this chapter shorter.:)
> 
> Thank you again to Evendale and Titzy for being exceptional friends.

Derek frantically cleans his living room, throwing his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and several empty pizza boxes and beer cans into the dustbin. He considers having a gulp of whiskey while vacuuming but decides against it. He would never hear the end of it if Casey caught as much as a whiff of it on his breath. The fact that by the time Casey arrives and makes herself comfortable on his couch, Derek has been able to make his apartment somewhat presentable and also has remained sober, appears to him to be very praiseworthy.

It has indeed been a long day for Derek. The headache kept coming back intermittently throughout his hours at the office. It was not easy handling the business all alone after Justin decided not to work alongside him. As always Derek had to suppress the urge to check Justin’s social media accounts several times today. He flops down on his armchair, finally letting his body relax after another overwhelming day. 

He looks over at Casey leaning over the armrest of the couch close to Derek’s chair, her eyes are fixed on the tv screen but Derek senses her mind is elsewhere. Words of warnings, requests, pleadings, even threats that Casey throws at Derek so often lately, come to Derek’s mind. She worries too much about him. Is that where her mind is? Derek feels a sudden pang of guilt. Most nights, in the year since his divorce Casey has spent with Derek preventing him from drowning in self-pity. She has more than once come over to dissuade him from sabotaging himself. Casey’s countless lunchtimes have been used up in giving Derek pep talks, in telling him that he is not traversing alone through these rough roads. 

Derek is far from a person who likes to make small talk but talking about _feelings_ puts him in further unease. So he takes the easier route, “How was your day Case?”

Casey looks at him with a slight surprise in her eyes and does not answer immediately. She seems to choose her words cautiously as if trying to sound truthful, “Oh I had a really productive day. After meeting with you I went back to the office and worked through several depositions. Ahh, it was so satisfying to get the opposition parties to agree to our terms !”

Casey has always been a terrible liar. Her sudden high pitch always gave her away. Derek might not have been too connected with her in the years he dated and got married to Justin but he could always detect her tells. In any case, she should know better than to lie to him. “Oh cut the crap !”

Casey tries to act casual, “What crap?” She uses her challenging tone.

This is not going to do. Derek likes Casey helping him out but not at the cost of her being untruthful to him. He gets up from his couch fast and sits down in the minuscule gap between Casey and her side of the couch. As he squeezes his body in the small gap, the right side of his body tightly pressing with Casey’s left. The jolt of current that still rushes through his veins when in such close proximity with Casey, after all these years of knowing her, amazes him every damn time. Casey stiffens in shock but does not budge an inch from her position. She in fact welcomes Derek’s arm as it comes to rest on her shoulder. 

Derek’s heartbeats slow down with the knowledge that Casey is not going to shut him out from her internal reverie. Usually Casey is the one to coax him to come out of his shell. Derek relishes this rare chance to return the favour. He mutes the tv using the remote with his free hand and asks Casey again, stressing each word, “How was your day Case?”

Casey looks him straight in the eye and answers, “It was overwhelming. But it got better, I swear.”

Derek smirks, “Oh if you swear..”

“Really I swear it got better. I’m feeling way better now.. here.. with you.” 

Oh the words this woman says! Derek lets her words sink in, savouring them. Casey’s fidgeting body in his arms brings his mind back to his initial agenda. “That’s sweet and all Spacey but what got you so overwhelmed? Why didn’t you tell me you were stressed when we had lunch?”

Casey’s sombre expression tugs at Derek’s heart, shooting another wave of guilt through him. He almost expects Casey to say that she was overwhelmed because of him and his blow-ups. But her answer, in reality, cuts him deeper, “Because it wasn’t a big deal.”

Derek does not know what is worse: the fact that Casey thinks something that clearly bothers her is not a big deal or the fact that Derek is sure he is the probable reason behind it. The despicable past year was all consuming for Derek. He had tumbled down a road of uncertainty, self-doubt, and most of all a mental agony that he just could not shake off. Casey had been there from the get go, refusing to step down no matter how many times Derek had expressly told her to fuck off. 

Fresh out of divorce, Derek was in denial for months. He went about working, playing hockey in his free time, and coming to family gatherings as if nothing had happened. He even went to court visits for the divorce proceedings with a poker face. Thanksgiving was being celebrated at the McDonald-Venturi home that year as per usual. It was his first holiday without Justin since the wedding and Derek had finally been hit with the realisation of his loss with full force. He barely spoke a word that day and came back to his apartment the next morning and disconnected himself from the family for weeks. 

One morning Casey appeared in his apartment that he had bought after the divorce, announcing that she had had enough. She declared that she was taking charge whether Derek liked it or not. There has been no looking back since then. Casey has heard his sob stories, cleaned his puke after his misadventures, often put him to bed after he felt like nothing but a train wreck. She has put his broken pieces back together one by one, rebuilding his confidence along with it. If there ever was one woman who needed to know her life and her trouble was as important as anybody else’s, if not more, it is Casey.

“It is a big deal to me,” Derek utters firmly.

Casey looks up at him, her blue eyes are a mixture of surprise and content, laced with sleep. Her long hours are starting to take a toll. “I was stressed because you looked so awful this morning.” Casey mumbles clearly unwilling to place the blame of her stress on Derek, “But I went to therapy later and that was one good session. I realised you and I are still in this together. I know I can make you feel better soon Derek.” 

The last words come out of Casey’s mouth as she starts falling asleep in his arms. Derek winces at those words. He hates that Casey has to carry so much weight on her shoulders just because Derek and Justin’s marriage did not work. He knows Casey does all of it voluntarily but her being stressed only because she wants to see Derek in better condition pains his heart. 

He remembers his Casey being this cheerful girl back in high school. Sure, she often had anxiety attacks over exams and breakups but she was also someone who did not take any bullshit from anyone. She would never even let Lizzie or Emily mope over any loss for too long. Derek might have been the more carefree one but Casey was the one who always struck a balance on her overflowing emotions. 

Casey was also the one who encouraged the relationships of her friends and step-brother the most, being the hopeless romantic that she is. She always put the extra effort to help others out in confessing feelings, arranging gifts or simply to give advice on date nights or resolving fights. Looking back now Derek realised he had felt uneasy which was akin to jealousy over Max, Truman or even Sam. But when he brought his partners home Casey had always been nothing but supportive. Derek strokes Casey’s hairs and thinks it could be because she never had the same rush of emotions coursing through her body seeing Derek with another person that Derek experienced seeing her with another man. 

Derek sighs and thinks that he sometimes probably did catch some flicker of emotions in Casey’s eyes when he started dating Justin and later got married. Casey was always enthusiastic about their relationship but something about her stance had changed that was not really there during Derek’s other partners.

***

_Derek laughed as he tried to take a gulp of air, “You are so needy today.”_

_In response, Justin pressed his body more firmly against Derek, his mouth unwilling to let go of Derek’s bottom lip._

_“Yeah? I’ll show you needy.” Justin smirked through their kiss and tugged Derek’s hairs roughly with his umber brown hand while his other hand snaked around Derek’s waist pulling him even closer. Derek loved when Justin leaned his weight on him. He momentarily grabbed the headboard of his bed for balance, then kissed Justin back with equal vigour. Their lips and tongues were in a mesh, often Justin winning the game of drawing out low moans from Derek, putting him to a bigger challenge with every passing second. The World faded away around them until..._

_“Der-ek !” Casey banged open his bedroom door bellowing, “You put your red shirt in the laundry with my white_ agai _..” Casey stopped abruptly as she became aware of the scene before her._

_In the meantime, Justin scampered off of Derek as if Casey had caught him robbing a bank and blushed furiously._

_“You.. you.. must be Casey,” Justin stuttered, trying to adjust his unkempt shirt._

_“You.. must be Justin.” Casey looked equally embarrassed standing in the room, she kept her gaze fixed on the wall somewhere above his bed._

_Derek looked at the scene with sheer amusement. Here was Justin who was taking charge of their kiss moments ago, confidence emanating from him and there was Casey who always took lead in every conversation, hardly ever awkward. Derek put both his arms behind his head, relaxing against the headboard, thoroughly enjoying the unease of those two._

_“And I must be Derek.” He barely managed not to giggle at their discomfort. Derek Venturi did not giggle._

_He sensed Casey rolling her eyes. “It’s good to finally meet you,” She said to Justin in a more natural voice but it sounded timid to Derek. He looked at her just in time to see her lips quiver. She was trying hard to mask some emotions. Derek was not sure exactly what emotion it was but if he had to guess he would say her eyes gave away a flicker of pain and longing._

_He did not get much time to discern Casey’s emotions as Justin answered, “Yeah, you too.” He was now getting out of the bed. Derek admired Justin’s toned body which always felt so smooth under his fingers and his clipper cut hair. Justin looked like a younger version of Shemar Moore and Derek was definitely_ not _complaining._

_Justin shook Casey’s hand and sat at the edge of Derek’s bed. He began again, “So what did Derek do this time? You mentioned some laundry?”_

_Casey also stayed and sat on his chair, “Ah right! Derek Venturi put his red shirt with my load of white clothes. Again. All my clothes are pink now.” Casey seethed at Derek. He just smirked in answer._

_“Dang Casey! That’s shitty for Derek to do. It’s gotta be hard living with a step-brother who acts like a toddler.”_

_Both Derek and Casey looked at Justin with surprise. Casey beamed up receiving Justin’s unexpected support, “Right? He acts like such an immature person all the time. It’s a mess everywhere in this house because he’s just so lazy to clean up after himself.” Casey waved her hands around in a sign of exasperation._

_“Shit yes! I see that” Justin looked around Derek’s room. “It really is everywhere. Damn! He and I spent ten minutes just clearing out the bed today to have enough space for both of us to sit.” Justin laughed._

_Casey shifted her weight from side to side in her chair getting uncomfortable again. Derek sensed the mention of Justin and him cozying up might have bothered her more than she was willing to let on. He did not understand why Casey was putting up such pretences, she seemed to like Justin. She definitely seemed to like defaming Derek with Justin. Then what was it that led to her sudden change of behaviour escaped Derek. Those changes were so minuscule that he categorised them as his mind playing tricks on him._

_“You two do know I’m sitting right here, right?” Derek decided to intervene._

_“That’s what makes insulting you more fun, babe” Justin uttered without missing a beat._

_“Did you know he eats his cereal directly from the box?”_

_“Oh” Justin scrunched his face in disgust, “Does he also burp loudly at the dining table? He did that on our last date in freaking McD. I was ready to dump him right there.”_

_Casey let out a shrill laugh, “Oh I am so glad you do not belong to the clan of boys who are too cool to stay clean and hygienic for god’s sake.”_

_Justin high-fived Casey, “Dirty rooms make me so edgy. I need my things in their proper places. No popcorns under couches please.”_

_Casey was elated by that time. “Oh you should see the Venturi-s around this place. Derek would wipe his mouth with his bare hands after eating, he would spit in the sink after brushing his teeth and not turn the tap on. I mean what nonsense are these?”_

_“Alright guys. That’s enough. You two can stop putting me on the stand. You both know you just love me too much.” Derek glanced at Justin who returned his sly smile but when Derek looked at Casey he saw that she had become stiff, her face giving no emotion away. Her stance had changed suddenly, yet again._

_“In fact I don’t think it’s enough. I think Casey and I should meet up and make a list of complaints we have against you.” Justin went on, oblivious._

_Casey recovered fast like she always did, “Oh that would be quite a list !”_

_Justin then leaned over and kissed Derek chastely. “I gotta go now. It’s getting late.”_

_“I’ll see you tomorrow after school then?” Derek kissed him back._

_“You bet you will.” Derek received a wink from Justin._

_Derek and Casey walked him to the door. Justin hugged Derek before looking at Casey, “I heard you love studying social science. He keeps calling you grade grubber,” Justin hurriedly added, “Which of course I don’t believe you are.”_

_Casey smiled wryly, “I do love it. I also love drama.”_

_“Oh that’s great. We can do group study sometimes then. I’d love to discuss Shakespeare with you and in break time we can prepare that list of ours.”_

_“Sure, yeah. I look forward to it Justin.” Casey gave him a warm smile, “It was really nice meeting you.”_

_“I stand by my prior opinion,” Casey remarked as the door closed after Justin._

_“And what was that Princess?” Derek half smiled, half drawled._

_“Justin is a great guy.” Casey said with conviction, “I’m happy for you two.”_

***

Casey has always been enthusiastic about his relationship with Justin despite the flash of mixed emotions that Derek suspected he could invariably see in her expressions whenever she spotted Justin and him together. She has always put Derek’s well being before hers, no matter how much she pretended to despise him over the years. 

Derek suddenly feels ashamed of that morning when he woke up hungover once again. It feels like he has betrayed her, undermined her efforts. He has been getting sloshed again for the last few days. His progression from the divorce has not been linear. He often falls down the dark hole after having several good days. His recovery spans in continuous curved lines. He knows he is in a much better position than where he started, for which he needs to pay lion's share of the credit to Casey and her unwillingness to give up on him, even for a day. She has put in the labour to keep him upright day after day not ever letting him know how much it affected her mental health. Derek looks at her sleeping form in his arms again. He is glad he has recovered enough to finally open his eyes and see that this past year has been destructive not only for him but also for her. He realises he would never in this lifetime be able to repay Casey for what she has done for him. 

Derek puts his head on top of Casey’s, his eyes getting heavy. He silently promises to himself he will be better for her. There is only so long he can drown in pity, only so long that he can allow his headache to consume him every morning. He takes a resolution to not feel sorry for himself anymore. His marriage did not work and he knows by now that it was not really anybody’s fault, least of all Justin’s. He lets himself abide by Casey’s advice that he would get himself nowhere by shifting the blame on Justin. Derek sighs, life has been rough and it will continue to be rough but he is not going to surrender mid-way, not as long as Casey was by his side. He will do it right from now on without shame, without mudslinging, without miscommunication and definitely without alcohol.

Derek wakes up at the sound of Casey’s groan. His neck aches from having fallen asleep on the couch. 

“Hey, the tv is still on.” Casey points out groggily.

That husky voice always puts Derek off balance. “Yeah.. yeah..” Derek stutters. “Listen um.. Case..”

Casey stretches her arms making Derek’s words falter further. Derek tries hard to focus and begins again, “Case I have something important to um.. discuss.”

Casey puts her hair up in a messy bun and looks at him with curiosity, “Now? Can it wait until we have both brushed our teeth at least?”

“Yeah you do have a bad morning breath Case,'' Casey rolls her eyes at that, “But it’ll only take a moment. I just have decided to stop drinking and attend those stupid anonymous meetings you keep badgering to me about.”

Casey’s eyes widen comically as she grasps what Derek has just uttered. “You are going to stop drinking?”

“Yes.”

“You are going to attend meetings?”

“Yes.”

“Voluntarily?”

Derek chuckles despite himself, “Yes, Spacey.”

She squeals, failing to hide her excitement. Derek receives a fast hug before she sits back down and brainstorms where Derek should attend his meeting, which meetings were close to his home and office, what times they were scheduled to take place, whether Derek should find a sponsor for himself. Derek smiles and shakes his head at his little nerd, feeling proud of both himself and her in that moment.

They set into a quiet routine over the following weeks. Casey accompanies Derek to almost every A.A. meeting that she can. Her heart gets filled with joy and hope when Derek beams seeing her waiting for him at the end of those meetings. They often go have a cup of coffee or visit a museum afterwards. Derek even tries to understand modern art and installations. They go watch hockey matches too and cheer for their teams, clapping and shouting at the top of their lungs. Casey sometimes tries to get him to start going to the rink again as well, though she understands he is not ready for such physical exertions just yet. 

Not that he does not have bad days anymore. At times he calls her in the middle of the night saying he can no longer stand staying alone in that apartment, he asserts that the quiet makes him disoriented, almost scared. Those nights they end up with either of them going to the other’s place. They just sit on the couch with ice cream tubs, watching tv and falling asleep eventually. Casey wakes up the next morning with her head on Derek’s chest as he snores softly. Every time she feels a rush of emotions coupled with an infallible desire to protect him from the World.

On one of their sleepovers, Casey brings along her hiking kit comprising a wicking top and pants, synthetic cap, bathing suit, boots, a cane, a first aid kit, and a couple of other essentials. She wanted to reward Derek for all the progress he has made in those weeks, being sober and continuing to live as healthy and stable a life as he could. Derek’s improvement has been so gratifying for her to watch. She is grateful to stand by his side while he reconstructs his life bit by bit.

Casey makes herself a cup of ginger tea in Derek’s kitchen, as he prepares white sauce pasta for their dinner. Derek putting his hidden culinary skills to good use pleases both Casey’s mind and taste buds. She leans back against the counter beside Derek, sipping her tea, letting the aroma of the food and the beverage fill her nostrils. Derek taps his feet and sings along to his iPod playing soulful country songs.

“We’re going hiking tomorrow,” Casey announces without premonition.

Derek looks at her, amused, “We are? That’s sudden.”

“Yeah, I have heard about Stonybrook State Park for so long, Der.’’ Casey perks up, “I’ve been dying to go hiking there.”

“Isn’t it the one in upstate NY?”

“Yup that one! So I decided I’ve done enough work this week for the firm, which was probably equal to a decade’s work. I deserve a freaking break and you deserve..” Casey adds, “a reward for being such an adorably good boy this last few weeks.” She then pulls his cheek uncharacteristically but enjoys the hell out of it.

“Don’t fucking call me adorable,” Derek shoves her hand away but puts little force into it, “When do we have to leave for the hike by the way?”

“Three in the morning”. Casey states.

“WHAT?” Derek’s eyes turn into saucers and Casey almost cackles at him. She has expected it.

“It’s non-negotiable. We can not miss the sunrise from the cliff.”

“Yes, we can.” Derek pleads with her.

Casey does not budge and makes Derek go to sleep in his bed as soon as they finish their dinner. 

“No screen time for you tonight.”

Derek groans, “You are such a grandma, you know that?”

“I do. Now go to bed.”

Derek reluctantly starts going towards his bedroom but stops in his tracks to ask her, “Are you planning to sleep on the couch alone tonight?”

“Yeah, Derek. If we both sleep there it’ll leave our necks sore like it does every time. We need to be fit tomorrow.” Casey answers pausing her chores at the table.

“Then why don’t _you_ take the bed?’’

“Because unlike you I can wake up at three without feeling like a zombie.” Casey chuckles.

“I wouldn’t sleep well knowing you are lying on that hard ass couch all night,” Derek says softly, causing Casey to look at him surprised. These days they do not bicker or annoy each other that often anymore but him talking to her with such affection still makes her heart skip a beat. Derek continues, “We can both sleep on my bed, you know. It’s big enough.”

“What? No! I’ll be fine on the couch, really.” Casey protests, the idea of sleeping with Derek making her head spin.

“Case please!” Derek looks at the floor, “Save us both some time and energy, alright? Just come to bed.” He looks up at her again and then leaves unceremoniously.

Casey’s thoughts become a whirlwind in her head. Casey starts cleaning the table again and thinks, ‘what if he snores too loudly? I do need to sleep goddamnit’. As she finishes loading the dishwasher she thinks, ‘what if he drapes his leg around me in his sleep? Shit, what if _I_ mistakenly put _my_ legs around him?’. She feels thirsty and chugs a glass of water and thinks, ‘what if he sleeps soundly by my side and feels fresh in the morning?’ 

With that last thought, she runs out of excuses and lets herself walk up to his room slowly. She sees in the dimmed light coming from the street that Derek has laid out a pillow for her in the blank space beside him. They are supposed to share one blanket, she notices. Still debating her actions, she crawls into bed and looks up at the dark ceiling. Derek is sleeping on his right side, his soft breaths tickle the skin on Casey's neck, only mildly. Casey lays there perfectly still for several moments until she finally allows herself to close her eyes and relaxes her body. Soon, she feels herself drifting off to sleep. The last thing she registers before falling asleep is Derek’s arm coming to rest on top of her midriff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm open to suggestion on whether I should keep the next chapters long or short.
> 
> Kudos and comments are deeply, deeply appreciated.


	3. Drum rolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is, without a doubt, my favourite chapter. 💜

Derek wakes up to Casey's insistent "Wake up, wake up now!" and repeated "Damn we'll be late. Get up!", while she shakes his body, almost violently. Derek whines and tells her to leave him the hell alone, but soon realises it's a lost battle. She will keep shaking him, probably will dump a bucket of water on him too if he doesn't oblige. He promises he hates her guts and finally gets out of bed to get ready for the trip. 

He still feels dazed by the time they get into the car. Derek tries his level best not to doze off again as Casey drives in the dark road, lit up only with intermittent street lamps. 

“Do you want some coffee?” Casey says softly, “It’s in the thermos.”

Derek hums in affirmation and pours them both two cups of coffee. The warm liquid energises his veins. It is almost past an hour when they reach the park. 

Due to the odd hour Casey has chosen, the park is almost deserted. An eerie silence hangs over the branches of the trees. A mild fog lingering around them spreads out into the forest. They take out their canes and headlamps and start ascending quietly. It feels almost forbidden to talk amidst the tranquillity of the forest. Even the rustle of leaves under their feet sounds too loud. 

Casey walks in front of Derek with an agility that he struggles to match up to. He resents the thought that he, being the athletic one, is still falling behind. A year away from hockey has taken a toll on his fitness. Casey McDonald, however, seems to be in very good shape. Derek tries in vain to not stare at her backside. The hours she spends working out these days show themselves off well. 

Casey has always been a petite girl, yet it is her soft exterior, radiating calm, confident energy that always entices Derek towards her. Stereotypes like being too girly have never put a damp on her self-esteem, she has never let being girly be interpreted as not being strong. Derek admires her faith in herself, he idolises her.

He feels out of breath when they reach a particularly steep path and calls out, “Hey wait up! Let’s take a fucking break.” 

Casey utters over her neck, without stopping, “Keep walking. I’m not missing the sunrise to cater to your tantrums.”

“What is with you and this sunrise?” Derek huffs, “At this rate you’d have to see it over my dead body.”

Casey sighs and turns around, exasperated, “You are such a drama queen!”

“Yet you can’t stay away from me.” Derek pants and tries to smirk through it.

Casey jogs back to him, rolling her eyes, “You should be grateful for that Venturi.” She brings out a water bottle from her backpack, “We will only halt for five minutes here, alright?”

Derek ignores her and sits on a rock on the side of the road, taking his sweet time to drink water, “Sit down. Relax. Observe nature take its course, Casey.” He gestures around them. The fact that he actually means it surprises him. In a world where he has only learnt and desired to hustle, to reach the finishing point fast, he discovers himself wanting to slow down, to take a pause, and appreciate what is around him... with her.

Casey, on the other hand, seems to be wandering through her own path of self-discovery. Derek’s perception of her has been that she deals with things in life as they come, never dashing to the end. Sure, she is an ambitious woman who used to study her ass off for good grades. But when it comes to life, she has never needed to know how the ending looks; she has just enjoyed exploring the trip and the beauty of each distinct moment in present. While Derek is certain that she still enjoys delicate phases of her journey, she also seems to be riding high on her adrenaline, seeking adventure in every corner. 

Derek allows himself a fleeting moment of indulgence. Has he rubbed off on her? Is it possible that all the time they have spent close together of late has made her want to keep looking for the coveted prize until she finds it? Derek has been known to chase his dreams and desires with an unmatchable passion. Right now, he sees the same passion in her eyes as she pleads with him, “We can do that when we reach the top. You can rest, lie down, sleep, whatever. I don’t want to miss the sunrise !” 

Derek is not strong enough to say no to that face, so he obliges. He throws his arms in front of himself, letting Casey pull him up on his feet. He overpowers her and almost falls on her as he comes up to stand, eliciting a giggle from Casey. He laughs along as well, his earlier tiredness dissipating with it.

The darkness has faded a little as they continue their hike uphill. He can hear owls hooting in the distance. A mild breeze caresses his cheeks, also making Casey’s ponytail blow softly. This time around he walks beside her, keeping up with the unspoken challenge that she throws at him. They take a few small breaks to consult their map along the way. 

They are on their last arc when the sky clears up noticeably. He feels sweaty and flustered, Casey beside him seems no less fazed. “Are we there yet?” Derek says in his mocking child-like tone, he already knows they are now just a couple of steps away.

“Yes, darling. We almost are,” Casey returns his taunt, but a glee is etched on her face, “Do you want a lollipop?”

Derek knows Casey has not quite meant to land a punch, so he now has a chance for a harder jab. He opens his mouth to tease her further, but the words die on his lips as he takes in the view in front of them. They have now reached an opening. The top of the cliff is a wide flat space with bushes strewn around. A couple of lanky trees stand here and there in the distance. They have a view of the sky that begins at their eye level and seems to expand around them in all directions. It feels like they are standing under an infinite hemisphere. The sky is coated with the most magical colours that Derek has ever seen. It's primarily a pale blue palette with orange and yellow and red scattered around in it. Derek thinks maybe a painter isn’t yet sure what colours would look best on his canvas, so he is experimenting with an array of colours and somehow each of them is looking as magnificent as the one before it. 

Casey’s jaws have fallen open, as she devours that surreal beauty. Derek has stood still to appreciate the view while she has gone forward, walking around the cliff, gazing upwards. Derek lets her be. She looks like she is in a trance, as if the invisible painter is telling her stories in secret and she cannot bring herself to miss a single syllable of it. She radiates an aura that makes her appear to belong to a different dimension, a muse of nature’s painter. 

As the sky prepares itself for the sunrise, the upper part of the sky remains a shade of violet and blue, while a faint small red line appears on the horizon. It is the tip of the sun sneaking up on the sky behind wisps of clouds, Derek notices. Casey lazily walks back to him and accepts his held out palm. They walk to the edge of the cliff to sit down and devour the divine scenery unfurl in front of them.

Moments pass by as Derek sits hand in hand with Casey, getting more mesmerised each second. The sun reveals itself little by little. Derek does not dare to even blink. He is not big on religion, but in that moment he looks at the sun and knows there is a power much greater than him, his family, Casey, or even his ambitions. There is a power who _knows_ , there is no hiding from that enigma. He sits there with his soul bare, vulnerable yet feeling stronger at heart, more aware of himself than he has been in a long time. 

Soon the red orb turns into a bright yellow one and it becomes hard to look at it directly. Derek turns to Casey squeezing her hand, she looks back. The warm golden light on her face and eyelashes makes her once again look like she is an inhabitant of some heavenly dimension. ‘You look like an angel’, he thinks. He does not know what an angel is supposed to look like, but at that moment nothing else seems more probable.

Casey speaks up first with a simple, “So?”

Derek answers, noticing every crease and line on her face, “So.. You are..” he stutters a little, “This is.. wow..” He knows any attempt to find proper adjectives to describe that moment would be fruitless, so he simply does not try.

Casey peers at him with equal sincerity in her eyes, waking up from her trance, “I told you so.”

Derek chuckles and nods his head, “You did tell me so.” He adds, growing earnest again, “I feel good Case. I feel.. alive. I know that’s cliché but I do.”

Casey smiles and makes slow circles over his hand with her thumb, “I’m glad.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Oh come on. You don’t have to...” Casey tries to protest but Derek cuts her off mid-sentence.

“You’re wrong. I do need to. For so long I kept feeling like I’m free-falling into a void after the divorce. The pain in my heart was too much for me, so I channelled it in external directions. As if partying, drinking and all around being in denial could help solve anything. Every night I’d go back to the apartment from parties and the loneliness would swallow me whole. I felt like I was drowning, choking in my ocean of pity with no fucking land in sight. And then you came, ringing the bell, cleaning up my room, barking commands. You are my lifeguard, Casey. You saved me from drowning. You saved my life once again, much like you had done years ago.”

Derek pauses to take a deep breath. Casey keeps looking at him, bewildered. 

Derek continues from where he left off, “When mom left..” Derek pauses again trying to gather his thoughts, he feels a lump in his throat and sees Casey nodding her head subtly in understanding, “We were a mess. I was so angry at both mom and dad, and the whole world I felt like I’ll stop functioning. All the while I had to keep up this tough exterior, you know? I had to pretend none of that affected me, for the sake of Marti and Ed. I.. I cried in bed for months, wishing I could just walk back to the day before mom left, the day when I still had hope.”

Casey tightens her grip on his hand, anguish clear on her face. He resumes speaking, “Then our lives suddenly changed upside down when Nora, Lizzie and you came banging through the door, taking charge. You made rules and regulations and adapted to your new life at record speed. I observed from the sidelines and took my chances. Your reaction to my pranks and jokes, your yelling and bickering made me look forward to each new day. I felt alive again. You were my lifeguard from the moment you walked into my life, Case. So for once please let me say this.. thank... thank..” 

Derek stammers, he knows he is supposed to say ‘thank you’ but his brain has short-circuited at this point. Casey has moved her face closer to his, leaving only a few inches between their mouths. Derek does not dare to move a single inch. He is transfixed. Casey hovers over his lips, her breathing ragged. 

Derek can almost hear drum rolls in his head. For the first time in his life, he does not know what to do in a moment of intimacy. His lips tremble in anticipation. The air between them seems to stand still as well, giving goosebumps to Derek. Casey tilts her head slowly from left to right and keeps hovering over his lips. 

It feels like an eternity before Casey parts her lips. What happens next causes Derek's brain to explode. Casey brings her tongue out to touch his lips in a featherlight lick. She closes her mouth again, probably taking in his taste and after a moment repeats her movement. Derek barely hangs on to his sanity. 

He has just been able to register the second lick when Casey captures his mouth with full force. Derek closes his eyes and fireworks after fireworks erupt in front of his mind’s eye as Casey sucks his bottom lip. A moan escapes his mouth before he can stop it. 

Finally, he puts his arms around Casey and pulls her closer. He explores her mouth frantically, hurriedly, not wanting to waste a single moment. The initial voices in his head screaming ‘Casey is seducing me’, ‘Casey is kissing me’, ‘Casey is driving me insane’ dwindle. 

The only thing that remains apparent is her intoxicating taste on his tongue. Derek tries to memorise each sound that leaves her mouth as he uses his tongue in varied motions and directions. Casey keeps up the same pace, urgently sucking his lips, biting them, and then soothing the spots with hasty licks. 

She wrenches her lips free from Derek to utter, heaving, “You are my lifeguard too, Derek.” His heart inflates, though he has no idea what he could have possibly done to make her say that. Casey is partially sitting on his lap now, he leans his head to kiss her again. 

This time they set a languid pace as their lips move against each other in a slow, lazy rhythm. Their racing heart rates slow down. Casey massages the back of his neck. He gives in to the sensation for a moment, then resumes kissing her with renewed passion.

He probably could have lived in that moment perpetually, except Casey breaks free again, much to his dismay. He chases after her lips immediately but Casey whispers, “Don’t move.”

Confusion and uncertainty cloud his brain, “Huh?” 

“There is a fly on your shoulder.” 

“HUH?” 

“Turn your head very, very slowly,” Casey whispers again.

Derek turns and sees from the corner of his eyes a long dragonfly sitting on his left shoulder. He does not give a rat’s ass to a stupid fly while Casey is on his lap, his arms framing her waist. But apparently it matters to her. Derek looks at her with a bit of frustration, but a lot more fondness. The smallest of phenomena seems to captivate her and he was more than willing to see the world with her eyes of wonder. 

Casey’s gaze does not shift from the fly as she whispers, “That’s a Grey Petaltail Dragonfly. I have read about them on the Park’s website. These dragonflies are larger than most other flies as you can see and are masters at camouflaging. Also unlike other dragonflies, the eyeballs of these don’t touch. They sometimes land on people wearing brown or grey clothing,” she cackles, “thinking they are trees.”

“Yeah! It’s hilarious that this guy thinks I’m a tree.” Derek says chuckling, “Though he sounds pretty cool.” Derek averts his eyes from Casey’s face and follows the fly maneuvering on his arms before it hops and flies away.

The sun has now travelled higher in the sky. Casey sits back in her place and says in her soft tone, “We should head back before the heat gets too much.” 

“Yeah, we should. But I want to eat something first! I’ll die of hunger otherwise.”

Casey laughs, “How many other things are you going to die of today, drama queen?”

Derek almost says ‘of the current that generated in me when you kissed me’ but doesn’t. He is anything but corny. 

She brings out several food options from her backpack; they drink smoothies and turkey wraps. “Mmm you have planned well,” Derek comments as he savours his meal. Casey does not even admonish him for speaking while eating.

“Uh.. huh,” she continues eating with a blissful glow on her face.

They consult their map again before embarking on their journey downhill. The gorge is the chief attraction of the park and would be crowded by now, but they come to the conclusion that that’s no excuse to miss it. Thus they follow the gorge trail rather than the rim trail by which they came up. 

This trail is easier to walk on than the rim trail. Hence Derek does not need to be cautious on each step. His mind reels back to the obvious and he is damned to see Casey walking down with such unperturbed energy. His logical brain fails to give him an explanation for how Casey can be so unshaken by their intimacy. Casey, the ever-cautious woman has kissed him, her freaking ‘same difference’ step-brother and it is not blowing her head off? 

Derek feels helpless for a while, unsure how to come to terms with the swirl of emotions in his heart. He is overwhelmed and takes in gulps of fresh air to be able to walk steadily. 

She has not uttered a word about the kiss since then and Derek is clueless what he should do. Since she initiated the kiss, is it his responsibility now to begin a conversation about it? What he is supposed to say after something this big baffles him. ‘Do we need to talk about it?’ will take away the blissfulness of the whole act. ‘What does this mean for us?’ sounds too direct, so does ‘where do we stand now?’. It also probably is too unambiguous to ask, ‘does this mean we are exclusive from now on?’. That is a funny thought, he realises. They are not dating (yet) for him to imply that he wants _her_ to remain exclusive with him. 

In the end, he discards all those approaches as unsuited and just wrong. Casey was the one who decided when the kiss was to commence. Derek concludes that when she wants to talk about it, she would know the correct time for that too. Derek wonders if she ever will want to.

They reach the gorge and Derek is fascinated by the beauty of nature yet again. His eyes are habituated with seeing skyscrapers everywhere, but today he takes in the rugged gorge and its muddy scent. Where the water tumbles down into the pool beneath, it creates a layer of light foam. Children and couples are already scattered about in the pool, their chatter and laughter mingling with the sound of the gorge. 

“We are going into the pool.” Casey declares.

“Alright, we are.” Derek chuckles, knowing he has little power to say no to anything she says of late.

They change into their bathing suits in the restrooms. Derek gapes at Casey when she appears in her orange monokini. The fact that it is a one-shouldered piece does not help Derek’s situation. He groans as she walks up to him. 

Casey unabashedly checks him out too, her eyes roaming around his neck, abs, torso and legs. He feels slightly self-conscious under her scrutiny. Casey’s confidence, however, does not seem to falter as she lets a dazzling grin spread on her face. Derek relaxes, Casey is the last person he needs to be conscious in front of. He does not see a grain of judgement in her eyes, just pure amazement and undeniable happiness.

They enter the lake surrounded with rocks and meadows, the water shimmering in the sunlight. He shivers at the first contact with the water, but his skin adapts to it soon. They wade through the shallow water hand in hand, then start swimming towards the deeper water. 

Casey smiles and shrieks whenever she stops to gauge the scenery. “I want to stay here forever,” she says to no one in particular, throwing her arms up in the air, with water almost up to her waist.

‘I want to stay here forever, too,’ Derek muses to himself, ‘I want to keep looking at you being so wild and jubilant.’

He swims in circles around her, making her squeal and splash water at him. He laughs, feeling overjoyed himself. “This place is fucking heaven,” he shouts between his laps.

“Der-ek! Language!” Casey reprimands him, “There are children here.”

“Are you one of the children too, Princess?” Derek does not lower his volume nor does he reduce his shit-eating grin, now backstroke swimming away from her.

Casey rolls her eyes and starts swimming towards him, trying to catch up. Derek thinks she probably plans to push him in water too for being naughty. The thought makes even Derek Venturi giggle. He stops swimming and moves his wet hair from his forehead, waiting for Casey to join him. 

Just as Casey reaches him, it starts drizzling. 

Derek looks up at the sky and back at Casey. Rain brings out a unique drum sound in the lake, reminding Derek of the drum rolls he heard in his head right before the kiss this morning. His eyes dart to Casey’s soaked lips, a desire growing in his lower abdomen to haul Casey up by her ass and kiss her till eternity. 

He subconsciously moves closer, his eyes not leaving hers, his intention clear. At that moment, he sees Casey stiffen in her spot. 

It leaves him astonished. He cannot discern what caused that reaction. Was she scared of him, but how is that even possible after what they shared before? Did she not like the previous kiss and is now unwilling to repeat that experience? 

Something tells Derek it’s graver than that. Maybe her brain has caught up with the step-sibling notion and she now regrets her action. The thought gnaws at him, poking holes in his happy bubble. 

Derek is brought back to his senses when Casey looks at him quizzically and says, “Hey, you alright?” her voice almost inaudible in the rain.

It occurs to Derek that he owes it to Casey to not show his disappointment when she was having so much fun. He answers, “Yup !” 

Casey is given little time to comprehend his mischievous grin, before he dives underwater, picks her up by her knee and throws her up in the air. Screeching, she falls into the water with a loud splash. 

"I'll kill you." She chortles lunging at Derek, but he is prepared for it. He ducks and moves away from her. Not one to easily give up, she chases after him, swimming as fast as she can. She manages to land a punch or two on his shoulder, before the sun comes back out. 

They get out of the water; pat themselves dry and let the rest of their bodies dry up in the sunlight as they eat at a pretty eatery with wooden benches. 

“It was one hell of a day, Case,” Derek states the truth, munching his lunch.

“I didn’t expect it to rain though,” 

“That’s what made it even better. That despite your perfect planning, there will always be unpredictable things happening, giving you damn good surprises.” he talks about the rain but his mind once again wanders back to their kiss.

“Look at you being all philosophical.”

“It’s what this place has done to me.” Derek feigns a meditating pose, “From now on you will only see me delivering preaches.”

Casey snorts, looking gorgeous with her wet backswept hair and flushed pink cheeks, “Let's get you back to the city then.” She pretends to hurry as she finishes her meal. 

Derek laughs, feeling like he has laughed on that day alone more than he has laughed over a year put together.


	4. Be still

Their drive back from the hike is rather uneventful. Casey drifts in and out of sleep. Derek has volunteered to drive, but he looks exhausted as well.

It has been a long day for Casey. A long blissful, soul soothing, guilt-ridden day.

Every energy Casey can garner she channels them into not thinking about their.. yeah that.. what happened at the sunrise. But fuck! her brain must be working on a broken system because it keeps going back to that.. yeah that kiss.. no matter how many times she chastises it. Her logical brain would have told her that the thing that you resist, will persist. But today is hardly the day for logical thoughts. If she had any reasonable cells in her brain or some fucking restraint on her heart, _that thing_ would not have happened.

She berates herself again, 'Stop it! Stop it, damnit! You can not let Derek know you are freaking out.' Her head is leaning on the car window; she looks over at Derek from the corner of her eyes. Derek glances at her at the same time. Cursing internally, she averts her eyes out of the car. Her internal battle does not seem to cease.

It's hilarious how ironic the situation is. Not that she has ever thought of it as a real possibility, or even a probability but whenever she has thought about Derek and her ever getting _close_ , she has assumed it would fill her with shame and regret of letting her mom down, of doing something that could possibly ruin their family dynamic. But now that something has happened, she feels none of those. _That thing_ feels like the most natural that could have happened between Derek and her. Their moment of connection, of intimacy, was organic, almost like it was meant to be. Or so it appears to her.

Yet she cannot get rid of her nagging guilt. It plagues at her, putting dents on her good spirit. She sighs and hopes Derek has not heard it. The conversation with her therapist haunts her, 'I'm taking advantage of his vulnerability'. It's appalling for her to consider that she took advantage of him this morning. She is not supposed to jump him. She is supposed to lift him up when he feels too overwhelmed by his pain to carry on with life. Instead, she has acted on her fucking desire and fucking kissed him when he is still recovering from a painful divorce. Tears threaten to fall from her eyes as she realises how terrible a person she has been.

Her guilt does not end there. She feels an irrational shame culminating from her sense of loyalty towards her friends, even former friends. She has never been close to ex-es of any of her friends before and Justin was a friend. Hence initiating _that thing_ with Derek leaves her feeling like she has betrayed a friend. She knows it probably is illogical but having first hand witnessed the progression of Derek and Justin's relationship, she knows what they meant to one another and it fills her with remorse for her actions.

***

" _Thanks for coming here to help me out," Justin said, grinning._

_Casey walked up to him on the side of the road. It was a sunny day, perfect for getting errands done. Several pretty boutiques and jewellery shops stood side by side on that street, offering a variety of options for those errands._

" _You know I wouldn't miss your wedding preparations for the world, Tin," Casey grinned back, "Can't say the same for Derek though."_

_Justin laughed aloud. That was something he did: whenever he laughed, he laughed from his heart, his entire face lighting up. Casey had never seen him feigning any emotion. He always asserted what he felt yet remained polite. That sometimes bothered Casey, that he was so good. It made her heart constrict, knowing Derek had found his 'the one'. But in all honesty, there was nothing more she wanted than Derek and Justin being happy with each other._

" _Well, at least his sister," Justin cleared his throat, "his_ step _-sister is taking part in the preparations. Mine couldn't care less."_

" _That's not true. Zoe and I are going shopping for our clothes tomorrow." Casey pressed her lips together to stop herself from laughing._

_Justin rolled his eyes, "That's big help. Sure," he added, "On that note, did you see Nick's best man outfit?"_

" _I did. Derek showed me. You are so cruel to your cousin! I cannot believe you got him a ruffle necked shirt." Casey did not approve._

_But Justin was not having it. He laughed out again. "Oh man, I cannot wait to see him in it. We had placed a bet on one of his hockey games. Take my word, he deserves a ruffled shirt for losing so sorely," he said tearing up, "Can you imagine the pictures?"_

" _No wonder you and Derek get along so well."_

_They walked up to one of the jewellery stores that specialised in custom rings. Justin had called ahead. He remarked while entering the shop, "You and I get along so well too Case, don't we?"_

_Justin's pout made Casey smile. "That's because you're a damn nice human being and keep yourself clean. But Derek is.. well, Derek."_

_Justin smiled warmly at the last part, "Derek really is.._ Derek _."_

_They approached one store personnel. "Good afternoon, Sir." The stout, well-dressed man whose name tag read 'Tyler' nodded, acknowledging them, "Good afternoon, Madam."_

" _I am Justin Wright. I had called in advance to see your spring-summer collection for the year?"_

" _Of course, Sir. I will bring you the collection right away."_

_As Tyler left, Justin turned to Casey, drumming his fingers on the glass counter. His gaze kept flickering towards her._

" _What?"_

_Justin blushed at being caught. He asked in a low voice, as if he was sneaking around, "Did Derek tell you where he is buying my ring from?"_

" _How do you know he hasn't already bought it?" Casey whispered as well._

" _I.. um.. I guessed he hadn't. But he might have." Justin's eyes widened, "Has he? Did you see it?"_

" _Maybe."_

" _Shut up Case! Please tell me how it looks."_

" _I am not at liberty to."_

" _Comm'on! Have some mercy."_

_Casey relented, laughing, "Oh boy! Does it feel good to tease you!"_

" _CASEY?"_

" _I haven't seen any rings for you." Casey couldn't help but cackle._

" _Ha! And you say only I resemble Derek. Like you don't!" Justin gave her a mean side-eye._

" _Tin, of course Derek hasn't bought it yet. Who knows, he might get it in the morning of your wedding." Casey attempted to earn back his good mood, nudging his elbow._

_He gave up his simmering irritation fast. "You promise to tell me about it as soon as you see it though?"_

" _I absolutely don't."_

" _You are a terrible friend."_

" _I know that. You only keep boasting about how you got lucky with a great friend like me when you started dating Derek."_

_Justin chuckled, nudging Casey back. Tyler reappeared with several maroon velvet boxes. He started describing the contents one by one. The first box contained the most obvious metal: Gold._

" _These are okay, I guess? Not great."_

" _You guess?" Casey teased, "I don't think gold will resonate with Derek much though."_

" _Yeah. I agree. It'll just be too mainstream for him."_

_The next box contained an assortment of silver rings, which they rejected soon too and moved on to platinum. Justin just did not seem to find the one that he wanted to belong to Derek forever._

_It was a box containing titanium rings that finally caught his attention. He picked up a dark gray ring with lighter rim._

" _It's stunning." Casey couldn't help herself._

" _Yes, it is." Justin turned it around in his fingers and inspected it from different angles. "It'll look magnificent on him."_

_His eyes sparkled as he declared that that was it and placed his order. "I have a special request though." He informed Tyler._

" _Of course, Sir. We will take care of all your requests."_

" _I need an engraving inside the ring."_

" _We can definitely make that happen."_

_Justin wrote down the words and proceeded to discuss placement of it, fonts and ring size with Tyler. He then paid in advance for the ring and was given assurance that the ring will be delivered to his address well before the wedding date._

" _Come on Case. I had parked my car just around the corner. I'll drop you home." They sauntered out of the shop._

" _No, but thanks," Casey said, shielding her face from the sun with her hand, "I want to visit a couple of clothing stores here. See my options for the cocktail party."_

" _Do you want me to come with you? I can do that for an hour or so."_

" _Oh no, no. I'll just be browsing." Justin probably felt bad for leaving her alone, after she had helped him out. Casey added, "You're sweet. Did I ever tell you that?"_

_Justin blushed. Massaging the back of his neck, he answered, "A couple hundred times yes."_

" _I am glad that Derek is marrying you. He deserves the best and so do you."_

" _Thank you, Case. That just.. means a lot." Justin added as an afterthought, "Did I just hear you saying your gross, nerve-racking step-brother deserves the best?"_

_Casey avoided his eyes, "No, you didn't."_

_She noticed a knowing grin spread on his face._

_After Justin left, Casey started wandering through various shops. Her heart felt like it was made of lead as she lazily walked around, picking up clothes and checking it on her in the mirror. The closer they got to the wedding date, the harder it became for Casey to keep up her act._

_Half the time she felt like going to Derek's room, pushing him down on his bed and saying, 'You can get married only after I've told you what I feel for you. You can't just leave this place without fucking knowing. And what I feel for you is..'. IS WHAT? Casey had no darn idea what she felt for him._

_All she knew was seeing him with Justin laughing and singing along to upbeat songs and even dancing, made her heart shatter into millions of pieces, every goddamn time. Casey couldn't help but think about the words Justin had requested to be engraved on the ring. It was two simple words: Be still._

_Justin was always about gestures, sweet subtle ones, right from the day he went on his first date with Derek. Tin would often send him handmade cards or texts on special occasions, ending those messages with 'be still my heart'. Initially, Derek chided him for being a sappy clichéd-ass but soon enough, unwittingly, he adapted to it and started signing his messages to Tin with the same phrase. Those two simple words on the ring conveyed Justin's love and dedication for Derek much more than any diamond ever could._

_Casey wanted to scream, wanted the pain to disperse from her body, her mind._

_Her heart could only take so much. Seeing Derek get married was not something she was ready for, or ever was going to be. Casey entered a trial room with a bunch of dresses in hand. She let herself drop down on the stool and closed her eyes, dejected. The thought of Derek belonging to someone else, for a lifetime, made Casey's body ache._

_She received a text. Fishing out her phone from her handbag, she saw it was from Justin._

" _Thanks a ton again, Case. For everything. You're the best sis-in-law in the World."_

_Casey hated herself for being jealous of the happiness of two people who meant so freaking much to her. She despised being a person who could not be happy for them and only thought about herself._

_She hated that Derek was getting married; she hated herself more for not being fully enthusiastic about it. She loathed being a fucking hypocrite._

***

Casey glances at Derek again. He seems focused on the road as he navigates the car. The fact that he has not broached the topic of _that.. kiss thing_ at all, trying to figure out where they stood, somewhat bothered her. Is it not that big a deal for him?

She has hoped he would say something about it. She has expected some sort of reaction, positive or not, out of him. After all, she did initiate the kiss. Is she supposed to talk about it too? Well, even if she tries, the amount of guilt that has accumulated in her heart since then would not let her utter her genuine feelings.

A more horrifying thought struck Casey in that moment. If she is feeling like she has betrayed Justin, isn't it a reasonable deduction that Derek feels the same? Maybe he also feels that he has cheated on the person his heart belonged to not a long while ago.

As they reach Casey's apartment, she sighs. Her heart is a mess.

Still, she reaches out and squeezes Derek's hand on the gear. Derek has rubbed off on her in all this time. Thus masking her feelings is not that hard these days.

"I will see you soon," she promises.

Derek looks at her hand on top of his and then at her, his eyes searching for something unknown. Casey still hopes he would say something about _that thing_. Though she has figured out emotions of other people, including Derek's in the past, without them talking about it, right now all she wants is for him to say _something_. She hopes for him to assert anything that will relieve her of her guilt.

"Alright, Case. Good night. Thanks for today."

And he doesn't talk about it.

Back at home, Casey quickly emerges herself in preparing for her depositions the next day. The more work she has, the less she will think about him. Even less would she want to imagine his lips on hers, nibbling, making her entire body tremble. The blissful moments under the warm sun, running her hand through his hair, letting him pull her closer.. No! She closes her eyes shut tightly, in the middle of arranging her files. 'I just need some sleep and I'll be a better human tomorrow,' she hopes for herself.

The next morning she wakes up none the wiser.

She did promise Derek that they will meet soon, but work turns out to be too overwhelming that week. Half the time the work pressure makes her forget what day of the week it is. She runs back and forth between court and firm all day. By the time she reaches home, she feels too exhausted to even cook. Often the last images in her head as she falls asleep are her sitting on Derek's lap, him cooking dinner for her, or him waiting for her in the lake while it drizzles.

Days pass by and she just does not get the time to see him. The only thing that doesn't let her feel too bad for letting him be all by himself and going to A.A. meetings alone are those morning texts that he religiously keeps sending her every day.

She has to go to the firm even on saturday, two weeks after the hike. She feels burnt out throughout the day and hates the fact that she has to work after office hours on a weekend. Towards the evening she receives a text from Justin that on monday next, he will come to the firm with his lawyer to finally negotiate and settle the matter of separating his business from Derek.

Casey forwards the information to Derek. She hates having to tell him about it via texts but has no time otherwise. She throws herself on her bed as soon as she reaches home that day.

Casey groans, trying to stretch. But her body feels stiff. She realises she fell asleep the night before in her work clothes. Hence a restless sleep is all she has gotten. She sits up in her bed, drawing her knees closer, and buries her head in her hands. After several moments of sitting like that, she tries to shake herself awake and reaches out for her phone.

13 missed calls. 25 texts throughout the night.

"SHIT!" Casey curses out loud, "Shit, shit, shit."

Her phone apparently was left in silent mode.

She frantically opens her phone and scans through the texts. All the missed calls and texts are from Derek.

11.32 p.m. - "Case where are you? Why aren't you picking up your calls?"

12 a.m. - "Case I really want to talk to you. You there?"

12.27 a.m. - "Casey?"

1.08 a.m. - "I rlly need to tlak to you. where the fuck did u go?"

2.43 a.m. - "I wish u were heree"

4.08 a.m. - "u aer not here tonight but you r still d best, Nutcase"

Casey feels her toes curl reading those messages. He called her 13 fucking times, said that he needed her and all she did is sleep.

She dials his number fast. Of course, he does not pick up either. She keeps calling again and again and again, gripping the phone with all her force. His later texts have a significant amount of typing mistakes and that is not a good sign.

By the time she has started getting ready to head over to his home, a groggy voice comes through, "Hey.."

"Hey Der! Are you home? Are you alright? Are you drunk? Are you hungover? Are you OKAY?"

"Woah Casey," Derek says drily, "One question at a time. Where were you?" His voice sounds strained.

"I asked you first."

"I actually asked you last night."

Casey sighs, "I fell asleep early. My phone was muted," she softens her voice, "I am so, so, so sorry Der. I am so sorry."

Derek mumbles a "Hmm," then speaks up, "I have missed you."

"I have missed you too." Casey says earnestly, "What happened last night, Derek?"

"I felt really lonely in the apartment. Again." He chuckles, without humour, "Guess news about having to see Tin on monday didn't settle well with me."

Casey feels an acute pang in her stomach. She knew she should not have left Derek with a text. It is her fault.

"I will be there with you." Casey adds, "I know I fucked up and I'm in general not the most reliable person in the world but I'll be there with you tomorrow at the meeting."

"What are you talking about ?"

"Uh.. what?"

"Case one night does not fucking mean you aren't reliable. I trust you with my life."

Casey felt like tearing up, "But you drank again last night, didn't you? I am the reason you lost your sobriety. I suck."

"Hey! Don't beat yourself up for my breakdowns alright? Falling asleep isn't a fucking crime." Derek gives her a half-laugh, "If you were here, you would've helped me, even if you were fucked up exhausted and I just know that."

An idea strikes Casey at Derek's words: 'if you were here'.

He did mention he needed her in his drunk texts. Isn't there some phrase that says that drunk people always speak the truth or something? Her therapist's soothing voice drifts in her head, asking her whether she thinks Derek would keep her close if he did not himself want to. At all cost, she wants to avoid what happened last night. A very specific solution comes to her head to ensure it never happens again.

"You know what, you're right."

"Yeah, of course I.."

Casey cuts in, "I have something important to talk to you about."

"You do?" Derek suddenly sounds hopeful, his voice growing high for the first time that morning. He also sounds sceptical.

"Yes. We will go to your place after the meeting tomorrow and we'll talk there." Casey utters, trying her best not to let him know that she is getting more excited by the minute.

She is going to move in with him.

"Okay, I guess."

"Are you alright now Der? Are you gonna be okay till tomorrow? Or should I come over?"

"No. I'm fine. Please relax alright Case? I feel a heck of a lot better now, after talking with you."

Relaxing is the last thing in her mind at the moment. After she hangs up with him she starts pacing in her room. Derek needs her. He did say so. But truth be told, she needs him just as much. Derek drunk dialled her, not Tin. Of course, drunk dialling is not much evidence for affection but in this moment Casey is willing to take a leap of faith.

'You would not punish yourself for being a human or for having feelings'. Another phrase spoken by Dr. Jones rings in her head. She does not want to feel guilty about kissing Derek anymore. She does only have his best interests in her heart. Thus feeling like she has taken advantage of Derek seems a bit silly to her now, so does her thoughts that she betrayed Justin.

Derek and Casey share a bond that is filled with unspoken words and neglected actions. Casey knows their connection is made of elements that are invaluable and she is done living in limbo with him, going over the same loop of one step forward, two steps back over and over again. So she decides not to put her feelings down this time around. She kissed him. Now she will offer to move in with him and see where it leads them to. His face.. oh! she can not wait to see his face when she breaks the news to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated so, so much.  
> Have a great weekend. :)


	5. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny now to think that I originally started writing this story as an oneshot. Anyway, only two chapters (including an epilogue) to go after this one.  
> Cheers. :)

Justin is wearing a pale, buttoned-down shirt. He has grown a thicker stubble, that makes the contrast of his dark brown cheeks and the pink undertone of his mouth more prominent. Derek used to love it. As Derek now looks at him across the conference room table, he does not know how to feel about it. He wishes he could say it does not affect him anymore, but he is only a human and some things just do not go away.

His wish to know how Justin is feeling sitting opposite him, increases tenfold as he glances towards Derek for a fraction of a second. Justin has his business mode on, sitting up straight, talking formally to the lawyers present. One of the lawyers is Casey McDonald. Derek has left all of his formal attitude to her. He himself is wearing a hooded tee and jeans and is casually sitting back in his chair, acting like he can not care less about what is going on in the room.

The truth is there is nothing more he cares about in his personal life, in this very moment. He is once again in a room with two of his most cherished humans on Earth. One from whom he has barely moved on. Another with whom he has no idea what he shares but cannot live without.

On top of that, his beloved business is being torn apart in that room. He created the partnership firm with Tin; they undertook battered homes and turned them into gorgeous abodes. In a way dividing the business feels like a custody battle. The company is almost a child to Derek, and he knows it is the same to Tin as well. Derek has delayed this division meeting for so long, deliberately making up excuses to postpone it. He has even held on to the company premises while Justin had to move out to get himself a separate office space. Derek realises at that moment how terribly selfish he has been. He doesn't know whether his act of hanging on to the company like it is his property has been guided by blinding anger or not, but he has been an awful business partner nonetheless. What has even happened to his professional ethics? Has he flushed that down the sink with his self-esteem?

"We can sell the office space." All heads turn to Derek as he speaks his first word in the meeting. He sees from the corner of his eyes Justin giving him a puzzled look. Derek has been listening to the lawyers fight over their office. "That way, neither Justin nor I would get our hands over it. I am also willing to pay for any losses that he suffered, if any, when he had to move out of the place."

Casey whispered to him, "What are you doing?"

"Being a person you can be proud of," Derek whispered back to her.

Half an hour later the negotiation is done and dusted. The lawyers shake hands with each other and their opponent clients. Derek shuffles his feet on the ground as he waits for Casey to gather up her files before leaving. He feels hypersensitive to everything Justin is doing across from him. Justin smooths out his shirt, Justin is now checking his phone, Justin is walking around the table towards the exit. Justin has turned and is now coming towards them. Justin is coming towards _them_! Justin is almost here...

"Hey, Casey. You did a great job. Never going to get tired of seeing you in action." Justin pats Casey on the back.

"Thanks, Tin. You look good today," Casey hugs him, "And this was a good negotiation."

"That it was," Justin says, releasing her, "Hey!"

Justin has just waved at him, though they are standing close and there is absolutely no reason to _wave_.

"Hey," Derek says his first words to him after months, probably years.

"Thanks for what you did there. Didn't expect it."

"You deserve it. The business is.. was as much yours as it was mine." It is strange that it doesn't feel strange talking to him. They are cautious now, almost formal, but he does not feel awkward.

Justin smiles at him. He has always had a kind smile. "Do you guys wanna go out for a cup of coffee, maybe? Been a while since we all hung out."

"Oh that'd have been nice but just before the meeting, I was called by my boss urgently in his office. So I've to head there right now." Casey adds, "I'll see you later then, Derek?"

"You will." Derek smiles and squeezes her upper arm.

As Casey exits the room in a hurry, Justin and Derek are the only two left. "Do _you_ want to grab a coffee then?" Justin asks, he looks weary as he waits for Derek's answer.

Derek tries to think it over. Justin is not his sworn enemy, far from it. He has heard about divorced partners remaining friends. Though he thinks that is bullshit, _this_ is just coffee. Justin does not have to necessarily become his friend again just because they had one coffee.

"Yeah. I guess that couldn't harm anything."

They go to a cafe down a few blocks. Derek's head is a hub of hundreds of conflicting thoughts as they enter the place, but he tries to keep them at bay. Maybe this coffee thing was a stupid decision, but it's done and he cannot bail now. All he can do is not be apprehensive about whatever is to come. Tin does not make him feel uncomfortable about himself, never did, and for that, he has a deep appreciation.

The cafe is a small space decorated with small plants and dried flowers. It seems like a perfect place for high school couples, Derek has questions about Justin's choice. They both order decafs at the counter.

As they sit down at a tiny table, Derek remarks, "This place makes me feel old."

"What? Why?"

"I think I have long outgrown cafes with dreamcatchers hanging around it,"

Justin laughs his signature hearty laugh. "Aren't you supposed to be the one young at heart?"

"Ha! That was before everything," Derek blurts out without thinking. It is meant as a joke.

"I see," Justin sits up straighter.

His tone makes Derek realise what he has said, "Hey I didn't mean it like that. Besides, you've lost a lot of your spirit too."

"That's hardly any consolation. I hate what we've done to each other."

"Well, to be fair, we made each other very happy too."

As their coffees arrive, Justin nods, "Yeah once upon a time, we did." He perks up suddenly, "You remember that time we painted graffitis outside your school wall at night?"

"Shit. I could never forget that. It was such a mad night. And damn we made such bad graffitis."

"Then both of us puked right there. We were so wasted." They snigger loudly, making a few people in the cafe turn their heads at them.

"What about that time we made some weird-ass Halloween costumes with neon lights and stuff?" Derek remembers that night so fondly. Having Justin as his partner in crime did increase his expertise in prank planning. Justin used to be so good at making a good set up and never backed down from a sweet challenge.

"Damn we scared the shit out of my sister. Marti, though, caught us red-handed."

"She's a smart kid," Derek says proudly. Smarti always makes him proud.

"Hey, Zoe is very smart too, alright?"

"Yeah and eight years older than Marti."

Justin cackles, despite himself. Two hours later, when they finally come out of the cafe, Derek realises he has not noticed time pass by. He has been so engaged in the conversation, his phone was left in his pocket the entire time, unchecked. They have reminisced so much about their shenanigans, that Derek feels like he can start committing pranks with Justin again no matter how old they both are.

They went on to talk about the time Justin brought home a puppy. They were dog-sitting for a friend. They had such tiresome yet lovely days with that pup. Derek must still have his pictures somewhere. They even taught him to put his paw up and wave. It was the cutest thing on earth. They talked about that one time Derek put a metal cup in the microwave because he was too sleepy and almost put the house on fire. Once Justin took up pottery classes and that led to them reenact the pottery scene from 'Ghost' and some wild sex afterwards. Derek recalled how they always mixed up their groceries for thanksgiving dinner and got reprimanded by Nora, every time. Towards the end of their chat, they wondered whether the tenants are taking good care of their old home. Neither of them has been to it for a long while.

Driving back from that cafe Derek feels energised. The fatigue he felt on saturday night, the bitter feeling of getting drunk again, the loneliness his apartment puts him through seem to have evaporated. He can not wait to see Casey and tell her all about the conversation he just had with Justin.

Casey drives her car carefully but cannot help take a few swift turns, driving it a bit faster than necessary. In her excitement, she turns up the volume of the car radio further. Aaron Espe's soulful voice comes through "Home, where my heart is…". There cannot be a better song for today. Casey is going to tell Derek that she is going to move in with him, and his apartment will from now on be their home. Their home… well, yes, she is just going to offer to move in, but after all they have been through together, Casey has no question in her mind that he could ever reject her. In fact, she does not even consider it to be a possibility. She sings along to the song, loudly, " _Home_ , where my heart is", rolling the word 'home' around on her tongue, stressing on it.

Casey is a girl who has been moving into a new home, new dorm, new dimensions in different stages of her life since she was fifteen, but in none of those did she feel like she was going to find a piece of her heart. Derek and Casey's lives have been intermingled and complex since the first day they entered each other's lives. Their paths of self discovery have been turbulent but now they have found common ground under their feet. They can now hold hands while treading through rough waters, they can kiss after sharing their vulnerabilities with each other. Casey is no more willing to let that go, she is no more willing to have Derek, yet not have him.

She doesn't know what that kiss meant to him, but judging by his eagerness to kiss her back, she can guess he won't be opposed to more of them. Casey snorts at that. To think that from tomorrow, she'd come back home from office and he'd be waiting for her or vice versa, that they'd have sunday mornings lazing around in that place, having pizza for lunch, that they'd bicker over laundry again, he will probably put honey in her shampoo and would never let her watch gossip shows, all exhilarate her. She cannot believe she has missed living with Derek Venturi. Though life with Derek will be very different this time around: she will have him all to her and he will have her all to him.

As she climbs out of her car in Derek's apartment garage, she recalls the urgent meeting she had with her boss that morning. Funny how such a significant meeting has completely gone out of her mind, the second she exited her office. This has been an eventful morning for Casey.

After she left Derek and Tin in the conference room, she directly went to her boss's room. Her boss, Mr. Jefferson, is a burly man in his early fifties. He asked her to sit on one of the plush couches of his spacious office. For some reason, his stance that morning made Casey both elated and nervous; but that sure was no sign for what was to come. Jefferson dropped a bomb on her with no introduction. "You are getting a promotion." He announced. Casey was dumbstruck. She has been working to become a senior associate so hard that past year. Still, it was not expected to happen this soon. She could not believe her life was getting on the right track from every possible aspect. She could hardly wait to tell Derek.

But there was a catch. Of course, there was. She was getting the promotion at such an unexpected time because the head of the department at their Los Angeles branch had passed away the night before and they wanted a young capable senior associate to replace her, immidiately. Casey had worked on several properties based on L.A. and she was the first one the branch management there showed their willingness to get as the replacement.

It did not take Casey a heartbeat to turn the promotion down. Her boss was livid, he could not believe his protégé would reject an offer this big. He understandably spent the better part of an hour lecturing Casey about how this is an once in a lifetime opportunity, how she will regret it and what will be the impact of this rejection on her career.

Casey did not need to think it over, she knew she had made a decision to move in with Derek, to have a life with him, properly this time. She was not going to let go of the spark that has been ignited rather reignited by their kiss. Out loud she said, "I'm sorry for letting you down, Sir. I've all that I need right here."

In the end, she was allowed to leave the office only after being told the offer stands till that night. A plane ticket was already booked for her departure and it would not be cancelled. So she can decide until then.

As Casey knocks on Derek's door she shakes her head at the firm wasting their money on that plane ticket.

"Hey you! I have been waiting for you." A gleeful Derek greets her. She could definitely get used to this.

"Yeah I got hung up with that meeting with Jefferson," noticing he is still in his jeans, she asks, "Did you also arrive just now?"

"Yeah, fifteen minutes ago. I went to a cafe with Tin," Derek chuckles, "Can you believe it?"

No, honestly, she cannot. When she left Derek and Justin at the conference room, she had way too much on her plate to think about them. She recalls Justin asking both Derek and her to hang out with him but she did not contemplate that they would actually go through with it. That must have been an ice-breaker sort of a catch up meeting, she supposes. She has continuously preached Derek to abstain from shifting blame on Justin for whatever happened between them. That divorce was the result of fault on both sides.

She concludes the fact that Derek went out with Justin is a clear proof that he is finally moving on from him, that he can be in his presence without being affected by it. The joy in her heart rejuvenates.

"No. But I'm glad you two acted nicely when I was gone," Casey sits down on his couch, legs crossed under her, "Tin said that he thought the negotiation was good. Do you think he meant it?"

"Well he rarely says things he doesn't mean", Derek plops down next to her, "besides it _was_ a good negotiation. You are my boss-babe."

Casey feels her cheeks heat up at that. Derek sitting with her on the sofa and not on his armchair doesn't go unnoticed by her either.

"Stop buttering me up," she fails to hide her grin.

Casey presses her right hand on her neck, trying to release the tension in her muscles. Long office hours have been sucking the soul out of her these days. She should probably go back to London with Derek for a few days, relax and get pampered by their family.

Derek notices her movement. "Are you sore?"

"Yeah," Casey rotates her neck in half circle and chuckles, "Sitting in front of a screen, drafting case files for hours is, unfortunately, not the most relaxing job on Earth."

"Here. Let me give you a massage." Derek gestures her to turn around.

Casey looks at him, puzzled. Derek waves his hand again in a circle, signalling her to turn, "Come on, Spacey! Let my hands do its magic."

Casey blushes, "You sure aren't going to break my neck or something, right?"

Derek pokes out his tongue, mocking her. Casey lazily turns her back to him, waiting for his hands on her shoulder.

She senses Derek moving closer to her. His legs brushing her hip. Derek then gently gathers her hair in his hand and puts it all on her right shoulder. Casey holds her breath until both his palms meet his neck. She sighs as he starts massaging her, putting mild pressure with the pad of his thumbs. As his hands work his way upwards to the nape of her neck and back again towards her shoulder socket she gradually relaxes under his touch. In his words, under the magic of his fingers.

She hums as her muscles loosen up. Derek murmurs close to her ear, "You like it?"

"Mm-hm." Casey answers with her eyes closed.

"Our coach back in high school taught us all these massage techniques to relax after games. Well, I thought these would come in handy someday to impress dudes and dudettes." Derek titters.

"Are you trying to impress me Der?" Casey can't help herself.

He gives her a breathy laugh, "I wouldn't dare, Princess. I don't possess that much talent."

Casey laughs along with him.

Derek speaks up again, "Listen umm.. Case, I've been considering something on my way back home and I know it might sound like the most idiotic idea but I.. um.. I'd like your opinion," he fusses, "I just have this important thing to tell you."

Casey gulps, suddenly flustered. Does he finally want to talk about the kiss? In the last two weeks Casey has deduced that the reason Derek didn't speak about it is probably because he thought Casey was just trying to make him feel warm and protected when he shared all his childhood tragedies with her. There is another probability too. Maybe he thought Casey is not willing to talk about it due to their complex family dynamic. He might not have wanted to put her in a precarious position.

Casey has thus decided not to hold him responsible for the communication that she hoped for but did not receive consequent to the kiss. After she moves in, they will have plenty of time to talk about it and figure out what the kiss meant for both of them and what they hope and expect from each other going forward. She promises to herself to remain transparent to him from then on, to always say what is in her heart.

Casey turns halfway in her place to face him, one of his palms still lingering on her sholder.

"I have an important thing to tell you too." Casey says, her heart beating fast in her chest, she cannot take the anticipation any longer.

"Oh right. You said that before. So do you want to say it first?"

Casey looks at him; her Derek, the remarkable man that he has become. All of a sudden she feels a need to brush her palm over his cheek. She feels so proud of the progress that he has made for himself. Sure, he still stumbles sometimes, but the fact that he is now willing to consistently put in effort to get better fills her heart with warmth.

Of course, she will hear what he has to say first. Not giving his story priority when he is being such an adorable mess is next to impossible for her. Her announcement can wait. "No. No. You tell me. What is it that got you so pumped up?"

Derek looks sheepish and for some reason nervous too. He clears his throat before speaking, "So, I told you Tin and I went to the cafe, right?"

So it's about Justin, not them.

"We actually had a great time. I was surprised that it didn't feel weird at all," Derek pauses, probably trying to gauge Casey's reaction. Her expression must be blank, as Derek begins again, sounding slightly unsure of himself, "So anyway, he texted me later asking if I want to go watch a movie this weekend or maybe a match. I said yes."

Derek runs a hand through his hair, before finishing his news, "God Case! This might be the stupidest thing ever but we might actually give it.. us.. another go."

"Oh"

Casey hears herself saying it, but she does not really conjecture that word. It comes out as an involuntary sound; in truth all her senses have gone numb. A very distinct memory flashes through her mind.

***

_The mild buzz of the air conditioner always appeared to Casey to have a hypnotising effect. That sound put her in a state of peaceful trance. She looked at Dr. Jones as she answered her usual introductory question, "It has been an exhausting week. But I met my step-brother and his husband on friday for dinner. So that was nice I guess."_

" _Why do you have to guess it Casey?" Dr. Jones almost never changed her intonation or her volume._

" _I am not sure how I felt about the dinner. Honestly speaking I never know how to feel about hanging out with them," Casey paused to collect her thoughts, "..now that they are married."_

" _Your step-brother has been married for over two years now, hasn't he?"_

" _Yes. He has. But that does not make it any easier. In fact, I think it gets tougher for me every time."_

" _Then, I suppose, it was not a nice dinner after all?"_

" _It was," Casey sighed, "It was a nice dinner. His husband Justin was as sweet to me as ever. I guess that made it worse."_

" _Why did Justin being sweet to you make it worse?"_

" _I.. I.." Casey hoped so bad that she did not have to talk about it. But she had to, she knew she did. The more she was going to keep them piled up in her heart, the worse would be the aftermath. Before visiting Dr. Jones for the first time Casey had become a wrecked ball of nerves, a single thing out of place would set her off. She hated admitting it, but Derek and Justin's wedding had made her lonely. Extremely, unbearably lonely._

_One day she had a step-brother whose presence in her life made every single thing more versatile, colourful and worthy of being experienced, she also had a wonderful guy friend who appreciated her quirks. The next day she had two men married, in love, whom she saw twice a month to have dinner. It pained her to realise that Derek and Justice had formed a bubble around them and she felt she was looking in at them from outside. Every time they cracked an inside joke on the dinner table Casey's stomach churned. Keeping up an all smiles front when her heart kept getting broken repeatedly was never easy, especially not in front of two people who knew her so well._

_The fact that both Justin and Derek cared for her so much gave her little comfort. Derek even texted her sometimes, offering to spend one on one time at museums or libraries, her usual picks but more often than not Casey refused him. Being Derek and Casey, being just themselves together was something so sacred to her, that she could not bring herself to do it knowing at the end of the day Derek would go back to Justin's arms._

_Casey knew she needed help. She needed someone who would tell her things for what they are and would make her see the truth for what it is. Casey was so tired of running away from her own self. That is the very reason she had sought out the help of an expert. So she braced herself to answer her question, she did not feel any less terrible but at least she was being honest with herself, finally._

" _I wish Justin was not this nice to me, because that would make it easier for me to envy their marriage." Casey despised herself for being such a pathetic human._

" _What is it exactly that you envy about their marriage?"_

_The question rattled her, it put her in a spot she desperately wished she did not have to be in. She dusted off some invisible dust off her pants and took a sip of her water. Then, slowly, she took a deep breathe in to lay bare her shallow heart, "I envy Justin for getting to wake up next to Derek every morning, for being able to make breakfast with him, laughing with him, touching him whenever he wanted," unshed tears burned in her eyes, as she continued, "I envy him for being able to say he loves Derek whenever he wanted."_

" _Casey," Dr. Jones called her name, trying to pull her out of her shameful thoughts, "Envy is a feeling that lets us know we long to have something that someone else does have and we don't. Tell me what do you long to have out of the things you just mentioned."_

_Casey swallowed, her mouth tasted bitter. She was a lawyer and she knew she could give an evasive answer, saying she coveted to have something vague from Derek and Justin's life. But it was only her therapist and she had suppressed her feelings for way too long. She had quashed those emotions every time her heart wanted to throw caution to the wind and voice them to Derek. She could have told him years ago how she felt but she kept insisting to herself she did not know what exactly she felt._

_But she knew. She had known all along, "I long to get to tell Derek that it's not just Justin who is in love with him," She did not try to stop herself, as a single tear slid down her right cheek, "I am too."_

***

"Case? Hey Case?" Derek is trying to attract her attention, putting slight pressure on her shoulder blade, "Do you think it's a bad idea?"

"What idea?" Casey forgot for a moment, for one blissfully ignorant moment, what it is that brought back that dreaded memory.

"Justin and me?" Derek is seeking out her eyes.

"Justin and you," she repeats, dazed.

Derek is still saying something. She can see his lips continuing to move. He is uttering words, words Casey cannot discern. Her head is a void, she hears the words Derek is speaking but her power to understand them seems to have vanished.

Casey tilts her head, still looking blankly at Derek, unable to speak.

"Yeah. We've always had a solid bond and maybe it's not the worst thing in the World to get back with your ex. People do that, right?"

"Right," Casey repeats his word again. Still incapable of forming her words. Her mouth feels dry.

"So.. umm.. when I meet him over the weekend I might get him some gift. Some I'm ready to 'give us a try again' kind of gift, you know? You want to help me pick out something? I mean you're definitely the best with these stuff."

Casey blinks at him. Her entire body starts prickling. She doesn't know if it is shame, if it is regret or if it's just the realisation of what an idiot she has been, what foolish ideas she has been fanning.

"I can't help you," Casey finally finds her voice. She shifts in her seat, letting Derek's hand drop from her shoulder.

Derek is taken aback by her tone.

"You.. um.. you _can't_?"

Oh he has the nerve to look confused. Casey has been thinking he would finally want to talk about the kiss. She flinches at that thought now, the memories making her skin burn. In fact, all he has been doing is considering going out with Justin.. again.. after they have fucking kissed. And he is _confused_ why she can't help him out? Casey wants to scoff but all she does feel is an urge to throw up if she has to sit there a second longer.

Derek delivers her the perfect opportunity to escape as he suddenly remembers something and asks, "Didn't you have something important to say too?" He tries to make her feel at ease again.

Casey sighs, knowing that could probably never happen again. After years, now is the time when she has finally reached the end of the rope.

"Yes, I do. I am moving," how desperately she wishes she could say 'moving in' instead of, "to L.A. Jefferson promoted me. I've to join immediately."

Casey has not been truly looking at Derek all this while, but still she could never forget the crestfallen look that descends on Derek's features hearing her words. She hates how it breaks her own heart. He is going to date Justin again, he should be happy Casey won't be there to third wheel them.

But even Casey knows how idiotic that sounds. Derek needs her, no matter if he has Justin or any other partner in his life or not. But Casey needs herself, the one person whom she has been neglecting so much of late. The only way to stay senile while Derek rekindles his romance with Justin is to stay as far away as possible.

She had assumed she could have Derek all for herself. What an idiot! She had kissed him. She had _kissed_ him for god's sake. That was such a desparate move. She has been planning to move in with him, even though they weren't dating, even though he had never expressly shown any romantic affection towards her. She quietly laughs at herself. Derek was never hers to have.

He is uttering several things yet again. After briefly congratulating her for her promotion, he drowns her with frantic questions. She thinks he almost sounds hysterical with all the questions about why, how, when, for how long.

"I am leaving tonight, Derek."

"Case-" Derek reaches out to hold her hand, "Did I do something wro-"

Casey gets up from the couch before he can touch her. She knows she cannot let him hold her, or her resolve would crumble in a matter of seconds.

"I've to go and start packing now. I'm gonna be late." With that she hurries to the door, determined not to let him catch her.

But she manages one last glance around Derek's apartment. The place she had naively thought could be hers as well from the next day. The emptiness and torment in her heart make her chest tighten.

Silent tears cloud her eyes as she runs down the stairs, the song that she heard earlier that day in the car, buzzing in her ears, 'Home, where my heart is/ Home, where my love lives'.


End file.
